Before I started writing any scenes, I tried to write an opening crawl. I think this is a good tactic since it forces me to have a clear idea of the main point of the story and to keep that purpose in mind. So I went back to analyze the crawls from the OT and the PT to see how they did it.
Feel free to skip my discussion if tl;dr and tell me if you agree with my lessons learned or have anything to add. Also feel free to post your crawls!
| Episode IV A NEW HOPE |
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It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy.... |
So a total of four sentences, none of which really repeat the same idea (harder than it sounds!). Note the use of good simple adjectives (hidden, evil, secret, ultimate, sinister, stolen, entire) to reinforce the story.
It sets up the first scene, letting us jump into the action. And the whole course of the movie relates to using those Death Star plans in an effort to restore freedom to the galaxy.
There is the quirk/discrepancy that Leia is allegedly racing to Alderaan ("home") when in actuality Bail Organa sent her to recruit Obi Wan. Now perhaps it's because Tatooine is on the way to Alderaan and it was going to be a quick pit stop. Still worth noting she's not only headed home.
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More solid declarative sentences. Plenty of simple adjectives (hidden, dreaded, secret, remote, evil). But I see even more dissonance between the crawl and the movie. I never got the sense that the Rebellion was now led by Luke, though he obviously was an important figure after destroying the Death Star. It isn't until later in the movie that Vader and the Emperor discuss Luke's significance. But the movie is ultimately about capturing Luke and Luke was certainly a leader in the rebellion. It sets us up for the first scene of probes hurling through space.
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This crawl is a bit different in that it doesn't directly set up the first scene. It lets us know the state of affairs and the challenges that must be confronted. Certainly it would have been better to state the need for Luke to confront his destiny, but we have a good grasp of the basics. Adjectives: home, vile, dreaded, ultimate, certain.
| Episode I THE PHANTOM MENACE |
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Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict... |
The first thing that stands out is the vagueness of the first sentence. It's certainly redeemable as long as the second sentence explains who/what/why (see ESB crawl). The second sentence stands out as the first passive sentence of any SW crawl (correct me if I'm wrong). It's not clear if the trade dispute is a reason or a symptom of the galaxy-wide turmoil and we still don't know who/why. There is the quirk that only Naboo is actually known to be dealing with a trade dispute in the film.
In the next paragraph, we learn the "who," though they're trying to resolve the matter. But they're not good guys, they're "greedy". The last paragraph does a decent job of setting up the first scene, even if we don't really understand the significance of it. There aren't as many good adjectives but does throw in some decent adverbs.
With EpIV we know its about the Rebellion against the Death Star, a weapon that can destroy planets. EpV is getting Luke Skywalker, a powerful threat to the Empire. EpVI another ultimate weapon needs to be defeated. EpI our heroes need to stop a trade dispute. I think this is an instructive exercise, if you see what I mean.
| Episode II ATTACK OF THE CLONES |
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There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Republic. This separatist movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Count Dooku, has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy. Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to assist the overwhelmed Jedi.... |
Unrest in a senate is not as exciting as unrest in the galaxy, but that is the basic point, so let's not be too critical just because it's the PT. There is a significant issue here with the Republic on the verge of falling apart.
I'm not sure who Dooku is but he's mysterious and the separatist movement is straining the Jedi. This is all fine in my view, I'm sure we'll get to know who Dooku is. And it ultimately sets up the first scene. The point of the movie is creating an army. Though that purpose is general peacekeeping apparently. Not to keep the Republic together.
There is again a lack of simple and reinforcing adjectives. But it's an acceptable premise with a clear goal, though peacekeeping is not as exciting as saving the Republic. I never got the sense that Dooku was leading a broad coalition of planets leaving the Republic, but rather a small number of merchant groups. But again, not every crawl exactly corresponded with what we saw on the screen.
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As a finale, I don't mind the dramatic "War!" The crawls are meant to be a bit dramatic after all. Not sure I'd go that route, but such a stylistic exclamation can serve a purpose. The Republic is crumbling because of attacks. As we know it's because of the Sith, though we don't really know the motivation of the separatists.
The relativistic musing about heroes on both sides and pointless notation of evil everywhere detracts from the usual pithiness of the crawls. We are informed of the current crisis that sets up the first scene. As for the rest of the movie...not certain what it's about. Lots of war to save the Republic I gather. Some decent adjectives (ruthless, stunning, fiendish, besieged) though a bit more highbrow than the OT.
Comparisons:
The OT did a better job of identifying exciting objectives of the movies.
A New Hope concerned an epic struggle between two powers and the need to destroy a deadly weapon. Before watching the movie, we have an idea that the "new hope" is probably hope of defeating the Empire. And the movie basically bears this out.
The Empire Strikes Back concerned the hunt for Luke Skywalker. Obviously the Empire is striking back after its earlier defeat.
Return of the Jedi is more diffuse, needing to (1a) rescue Han Solo and (1b) defeat another great weapon. So it's the culmination of the struggle. And "Return of the Jedi" certainly refers to Luke's growth as a Jedi.
The Phantom Menace is about a trade dispute that is upsetting the galaxy. The phantom menace is most likely the reason for the dispute. Okay, so we figure out the Sith are the phantom menace and there is in fact a trade dispute for some reason.
Attack of the Clones is about maintaining peace in the galaxy by creating an army. What does it have to do with clones and who are they attacking? Guess we have to watch it. Would be nice to explain the title in the crawl.
Revenge of the Sith is about massive war and a crumbling Republic. Obviously the heroes are going to tackle this problem. And while we know the Sith are the evil force users, what are they getting revenge for?
What is absent in the PT crawls? Any mention of Anakin (it's not like this is the story of Darth Vader or anything) or Obi Wan.Well actually, they're charitably referred to as "two Jedi Knights" in the ROTS crawl.
The PT is a bunch of stuff happening for "mysterious" reasons. And I'm not criticizing the films per se (I do so elsewhere). I'm criticizing the lack of focus in the crawls. They aren't quite as pithy and simple as the OT crawls. I wonder if GL also writes his crawls first. The initial lack of focus could very well result in unfocused films.
Lessons:
- Be concise. Do not repeat the same point in different ways. But do build upon preceding sentences.
- Be precise. Don't be afraid of saying exactly who is doing what. Mystery need not be lost by identifying the real purpose of the movie - as long as you're not saying something like, "...and Luke discover Vader is his father".
- Use simple adjectives to reinforce who is good, who is bad, and how serious the situation is.
- The crawls haven't always neatly corresponded with what happened on screen and involve a little bit of dramatic overstatement or simplification.
- Use the crawl to provide context for the first scene, not just a laundry list of events and characters.