Much better. Suggestions:

1. By having Qui-Gon start with "This planet is both..." after an establishing shot of Polis Massa, it makes it sound like he's talking about Massa. "The planet will be both..." would make sense. Otherwise it confuses the viewer.

2. Remove the "Unlike any other". Have Qui-Gon talking during that panning shot, but instead of having him rudely interrupted, simply have no dialogue during the shot in which Bail enters, as if that angle is from Bail's perspective audio-wise. It would feel less abrupt and disjointed.

3. "A powerful ally" is a nice nod to Vader and Palpatine's conversation in ESB, but there shouldn't be any dialogue when the transition is already in effect.

4. Regarding the Star Destroyer scene... there's no need or reason for Palpatine to be saying "Good". You can say it's about the Death Star, but it just sounds off. And if it's to Tarkin, well, there's no indication Tarkin is talking. I think there should be no dialogue at least until Vader crosses his arms, in which he can say "Obi-Wan will die".