Mmmhm, I got something in mind. Don't get me wrong it's excellent how you edited it so far. But since you said you are receiving ideas/suggestions...

First the things blow up, while hearing the screams - cut to padmé and obiwan... padme dying - cut back to Coruscant.

Vader gets risen up, Palpatine (who's a little afraid of Vader, considering how the things started to blow up during the surgery):

-"Lord Vader, can you hear me?"

-"Yes master"

-"To cheat death is a power (...)"

- (Vader interrupts palpatine) "She no longer means anything to me master... now (...)"

So why does palpatine start telling vader all that text about cheating death? He's just scared about what Vader in physical pain did.