STAR WARS: Episode One. Also known as Greenpenguino's best Star wars script, EVA!!!!

WARNING: This is by no means an accurate screenplay of events that lead into the films, ‘STAR WARS’, ‘THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK’ and ‘THAT OTHER ONE’, but it is near enough as anyone can make it.

 

STAR  WARS

--EPISODE I--

STARRING RIC OLIE

 

Written by Greenpenguino

 

Music produced by a combined effort

by The Who, Queen, The Beatles, the Electric Light Orchestra, John Williams, Danny Elfman, Hans Zimmer and Mozart.

 

Fade in.

 

A long time ago in a galaxy, far far away...

 

A huge explosion fills the screen, the words STAR WARS fly towards the camera and slam firmly in the centre, taking up most of the screen. The words ‘Starring Ric Olie’ appear underneath.

 

Fan in the audience

What?? What the hell is thi-

 

Ric Olie steps into the frame in front of the titles.

 

Ric

Look over there! There’s a Dumbass!!!

 

Ric Olie reaches through the screen and BITCH SLAPS the Fan.

 

Ric

Shut up Bitch! My movie’s starting!

 

The camera pans down to-

Fan in the audience

(Whimpering)

What? Not even an opening crawl??

 

Ric

I said SHUT UP!! (Slaps Fan again) Go get a girlfriend, nerdy dumbass!

 

The Fan runs out of the movie theatre, crying.

EXTERIOR: Surface of Volcanic Planet--Day

The camera pans down to the surface of a volcanic planet. There are Nine-thousand steroid enhanced cyborg Tyrannosaurus Rexes surrounding two characters standing on a ledge. One of these characters is the young Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi knight who can do some fancy twirls with a sword made of light.

The other is Ric Olie, the ultimate bad-ass in the galaxy. He contains so much awesome that the only way he can contain it sometimes, is to state the blindingly obvious. This is only done so that the Universe will be spared from the terrifying awesome energy that would be unleashed, which would cause the universe from being destroyed. He is the ancestor of James .T. Kirk, The Sisko, Chuck Norris, Captain Robau, Genghis Kahn, Malcolm Reynolds and a bunch of other people I can’t be bothered to name. His awesomeness and Badassery are supplanted ONLY by his amazingly good looks. Obi-wan is holding a lightsaber, whilst Ric Olie is just standing there, holding up his fists. Obi-wan’s lightsaber is fading and glitching, running out of energy.

 

Obi-wan

It’s no good Ric! My lightsaber is running out of juice!

 

Ric

(Turning to obi-wan)

You catch on pretty quick.

 

Obi-wan

(Whimpering)

I’m scared Ric.

 

Obi-wan backs away cowering behind Ric and begins to cry.

 

Ric

Oh man up, you pussy!

 

Obi-wan continues to cry, the T-rexes continue to advance.

 

Ric

*sigh*

Fine then, I’ll deal with this.

 

Ric runs towards the CYBORG DINOSAURS and jumps in the air. Whilst in the air he angles himself into a flying kick and kicks one of the CYBORG DINOSAURS in the face. The T-Rex is sent reeling. Ric lands on the ground perfectly, whilst the dinosaur falls to the ground, lying on it’s back. Ric punches the dinosaur in the head so hard the punch shatters it’s skull and causes it’s brain to dissolve. The other dinosaurs come after him shooting him with Lasers mounted on their heads. Ric easily dispatches all of them.

 

Ric

Yo Pussy-man! You can stop crying now!

 

Obi-wan gets up and runs to Ric

 

Obi-wan

Oh Ric! You saved me!

 

Ric

You catch on pretty quick.

 

Obi-wan

How can I repay you??

 

Ric

You can stop acting like a bitch for a start. And also bring me a ship

 

Obi-wan

Yes Mr Ric Olie! At once!

 

Ric

On second thoughts... I don’t need a spaceship! I can just use one of these T-Rexes as ride...

 

Ric jumps on the back of a T-rex like he’s mounting a horse. The T-rex begins to rise into the air.

 

Obi-wan

Wait! I’m coming too!

 

Obi-wan grabs hold of the tail of the t-rex as the dinosaur flies into space.

 

EXTERIOR: Galaxy---Above the Planet made of volcanoes, or whatever.

 

Obi-wan notices a liquid leaking from one of the T-rex’s cybernetic implants.

 

Obi-wan

Brrrr... Man.. Space is cold! Look Ric! There’s not enough power to get us to Coruscant! The Hyperdrive is leaking!

 

Ric

Meh, Coruscant is over-rated anyways. Besides I’m not heading to that shit-hole, I’m heading to my home planet!

 

Obi-wan

What? Naboo?

 

Ric

Naboo? What the fuck kind of name for a planet is that? Sounds like a planet full of pansy, flower-wearing dumbass hippies to me! No, my planet is named after me! Ric Olie!

 

Before Obi-wan can say another word, Ric Olie makes the dead Cyborg T-rex head into Hyperspace.

 

EXTERIOR: Tattooine --- Somewhere in the desert -- Day

 

Anakin Skywalker, a young man of 18 is standing around, doing something (Probably to do with being a ’great pilot’ or whatever). He looks up at the stars, longing to be up there, having adventures...Sound familiar??.... Can’t think why...

 

Anakin

*sigh*

Man! This sucks! I’m never gonna get off this dust hole of a planet!

 

A bike gang shows up ON FUCKING HOVER-BIKES OMG!!!!!!!11!!!1!!!!0111!!!!!!2!!11ONE!1

They are clad in leather desert-ware.

The leader steps off his hover-bike and pulls off one of his gloves, thus showing the audience that he is a bad guy.

Bike Gang Leader Person

Well, lookie what we’s has here! How ya doin Wimpy?

(He pushes Luke-Anakin)

 

Anakin

Oh...er....hey Bike Gang Leader Person, How are you?

 

Bike Gang Leader Person

Oh I’m doin fine. Ya know, we’ve been lookin’ fo’ ya. What you doin out here? Stargazing??

 

Anakin

Well... as a matter of fact...

 

Bike Gang Leader Person

Well look Ani.

(Pokes Anakin)

You better get rid of them thoughts. Nobody leaves my territory, No one!

 

Anakin

What are talking about? You can’t possibly run an entire planet, I wasn’t leaving anyway, I was simply looking at the stars, and why the hell do you talk like that?

 

The Bike Gang breaks into song. There is a huge musical number full of clicking and dancing and Kevin Bacon As soon as the song ends Ric Olie’s Dinosaur lands on top of them, killing all the bike gang members.

 

Ric

Quick, jump onboard! You need to come with me so later on you can become Darth Vader

 

Anakin

Wait, what?

 

He climbs onto the T-Rex and the Cyborg Dinosaur flies into space once more.

 

EXTERIOR-- CGI CASTLE ON THE PLANET NABOO

 

INTERIOR--EXTERIOR OF THE THRONE ROOM ON THE PLANET NABOO

 

INTERIOR--THRONE ROOM ON THE PLANET NABOO

 

Queen Armadillo is sitting in her chair, she is talking to people. There is a cartoon rabbit standing in the room too, trying really hard not to look fake.

 

Queen

Due to the lameness of our home planet’s name I have decided that the planet should be given a new name. Any suggestions??

 

Person 1

Erm... Utapau?

 

Queen

No! Crap!

 

Person 2

THX-1138?

 

Queen

What? No.

 

Person 3

Dirt?

 

Queen

No

 

Person 3

Ground?

 

Queen

No

 

Person 3

Earth?

 

Queen

No!! You shut up, all your planet names are shit!

 

Person 3 shuts up

 

Person 1

Err....Alderann?

 

Queen

Yeah, sure. Why not? I just hope the Naboobians of our planet will except it.

 

Person 3

Your Majesty, can I say something?

 

Queen

No! You stay quiet Mr Organa. It’s not like you’ll amount to anything.

 

 

EXTERIOR--HYPERSPACE

 

Anakin and Ric Olie are arm-wrestling whilst waiting for the dinosaur to drop out of Hyperspace. Obi-wan is still holding on to the tail of the dinosaur. Ric wins the arm wrestle, obviously

 

Ric

Well, that was a mildly interesting distraction

 

Anakin

You catch on pretty qui-

 

Ric olie punches Anakin in the face, causing burns to appear.

 

Anakin

(Face smoking)

Ow!

 

Ric

No one steals my lines!!

 

Anakin

Meh, I don’t care

 

Just then Luke skywalker appears. Fans note that the image they see of him is the wrong picture. But they dare not say it for fear of Ric’s Wrath.

 

Luke

I care

 

Luke promptly vanishes.

 

Obi-wan

Are we nearly there yet? My arms are getting tired!

 

Ric

Shut your Cake hole! I don’t know why I bring you along with me, all you do is bitch and moan. Much like your Mum did last night.

 

Anakin highfives Ric, causing his hand to burn off.

 

Anakin

Ow! Dammit!!

 

Ric

Don’t worry, we’ll get you a new hand. Made of metal!

 

Anakin

Cool!

 

Ric

And then Luke can chop it off later on

 

Anakin

Huh? What?

 

They come out of Hyperspace and fly towards the Planet ‘Ric Olie’.

 

 

Exterior--Landing platform on the planet Ric Olie. Ric lands the dinosaur and steps off it, he is immedietly greeted by 20 beautiful Amazon-like women.

 

Anakin

Jeepers!

 

Obi-wan

Meh...

 

They walk across a narrow bridge, without railings towards a city so marvelous I cannot express it in words. I’ll just leave a few Blank paragraphs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There...

 

 

Ric Olie walks into a large room

 

Ric

This is boring. We need another action scene.

 

 

Out of nowhere a Giant Robot that uses Cows for batteries appears. It has laser cannons everywhere. A totally awesome fight ensues. Ric defeats the robot, with a tiny bit of help from Anakin. Obi-wan is still a pansy and hides behind something.

 

One of the beautiful Amazonian women

(To the camera)

Man, Obi-wan was a complete wimp before episode 4

 

Obi-wan

(Still hiding)

Only from a certain point of view!!!

 

Anakin

Pfft.. What kind of excuse is that? Only a complete moron would go with that!

 

Ric

I need a bounty hunter at once!!!

 

Boba Fett shows up, looking more awesome than ever.

 

Ric

Boba! Go and get some more women I haven’t slept with yet

 

Boba

As you wish...

 

Boba flies off in his Jetpack.

 

Ric

Look over there! There’s Boba fett, off to get me some women.

 

Anakin

Is this movie in any way even try to fit with the other films??

 

Ric

Maybe...