WARNING: This is by no means an accurate screenplay of events that lead into the films, ‘STAR WARS’, ‘THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK’ and ‘THAT OTHER ONE’, but it is near enough as anyone can make it.
STAR WARS
--EPISODE I--
STARRING RIC OLIE
Written by Greenpenguino
Music produced by a combined effort
by The Who, Queen, The Beatles, the Electric Light Orchestra, John Williams, Danny Elfman, Hans Zimmer and Mozart.
Fade in.
A long time ago in a galaxy, far far away...
A huge explosion fills the screen, the words STAR WARS fly towards the camera and slam firmly in the centre, taking up most of the screen. The words ‘Starring Ric Olie’ appear underneath.
Fan in the audience
What?? What the hell is thi-
Ric Olie steps into the frame in front of the titles.
Ric
Look over there! There’s a Dumbass!!!
Ric Olie reaches through the screen and BITCH SLAPS the Fan.
Ric
Shut up Bitch! My movie’s starting!
The camera pans down to-
Fan in the audience
(Whimpering)
What? Not even an opening crawl??
Ric
I said SHUT UP!! (Slaps Fan again) Go get a girlfriend, nerdy dumbass!
The Fan runs out of the movie theatre, crying.
EXTERIOR: Surface of Volcanic Planet--Day
The camera pans down to the surface of a volcanic planet. There are Nine-thousand steroid enhanced cyborg Tyrannosaurus Rexes surrounding two characters standing on a ledge. One of these characters is the young Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi knight who can do some fancy twirls with a sword made of light.
The other is Ric Olie, the ultimate bad-ass in the galaxy. He contains so much awesome that the only way he can contain it sometimes, is to state the blindingly obvious. This is only done so that the Universe will be spared from the terrifying awesome energy that would be unleashed, which would cause the universe from being destroyed. He is the ancestor of James .T. Kirk, The Sisko, Chuck Norris, Captain Robau, Genghis Kahn, Malcolm Reynolds and a bunch of other people I can’t be bothered to name. His awesomeness and Badassery are supplanted ONLY by his amazingly good looks. Obi-wan is holding a lightsaber, whilst Ric Olie is just standing there, holding up his fists. Obi-wan’s lightsaber is fading and glitching, running out of energy.
Obi-wan
It’s no good Ric! My lightsaber is running out of juice!
Ric
(Turning to obi-wan)
You catch on pretty quick.
Obi-wan
(Whimpering)
I’m scared Ric.
Obi-wan backs away cowering behind Ric and begins to cry.
Ric
Oh man up, you pussy!
Obi-wan continues to cry, the T-rexes continue to advance.
Ric
*sigh*
Fine then, I’ll deal with this.
Ric runs towards the CYBORG DINOSAURS and jumps in the air. Whilst in the air he angles himself into a flying kick and kicks one of the CYBORG DINOSAURS in the face. The T-Rex is sent reeling. Ric lands on the ground perfectly, whilst the dinosaur falls to the ground, lying on it’s back. Ric punches the dinosaur in the head so hard the punch shatters it’s skull and causes it’s brain to dissolve. The other dinosaurs come after him shooting him with Lasers mounted on their heads. Ric easily dispatches all of them.
Ric
Yo Pussy-man! You can stop crying now!
Obi-wan gets up and runs to Ric
Obi-wan
Oh Ric! You saved me!
Ric
You catch on pretty quick.
Obi-wan
How can I repay you??
Ric
You can stop acting like a bitch for a start. And also bring me a ship
Obi-wan
Yes Mr Ric Olie! At once!
Ric
On second thoughts... I don’t need a spaceship! I can just use one of these T-Rexes as ride...
Ric jumps on the back of a T-rex like he’s mounting a horse. The T-rex begins to rise into the air.
Obi-wan
Wait! I’m coming too!
Obi-wan grabs hold of the tail of the t-rex as the dinosaur flies into space.
EXTERIOR: Galaxy---Above the Planet made of volcanoes, or whatever.
Obi-wan notices a liquid leaking from one of the T-rex’s cybernetic implants.
Obi-wan
Brrrr... Man.. Space is cold! Look Ric! There’s not enough power to get us to Coruscant! The Hyperdrive is leaking!
Ric
Meh, Coruscant is over-rated anyways. Besides I’m not heading to that shit-hole, I’m heading to my home planet!
Obi-wan
What? Naboo?
Ric
Naboo? What the fuck kind of name for a planet is that? Sounds like a planet full of pansy, flower-wearing dumbass hippies to me! No, my planet is named after me! Ric Olie!
Before Obi-wan can say another word, Ric Olie makes the dead Cyborg T-rex head into Hyperspace.
EXTERIOR: Tattooine --- Somewhere in the desert -- Day
Anakin Skywalker, a young man of 18 is standing around, doing something (Probably to do with being a ’great pilot’ or whatever). He looks up at the stars, longing to be up there, having adventures...Sound familiar??.... Can’t think why...
Anakin
*sigh*
Man! This sucks! I’m never gonna get off this dust hole of a planet!
A bike gang shows up ON FUCKING HOVER-BIKES OMG!!!!!!!11!!!1!!!!0111!!!!!!2!!11ONE!1
They are clad in leather desert-ware.
The leader steps off his hover-bike and pulls off one of his gloves, thus showing the audience that he is a bad guy.
Bike Gang Leader Person
Well, lookie what we’s has here! How ya doin Wimpy?
(He pushes Luke-Anakin)
Anakin
Oh...er....hey Bike Gang Leader Person, How are you?
Bike Gang Leader Person
Oh I’m doin fine. Ya know, we’ve been lookin’ fo’ ya. What you doin out here? Stargazing??
Anakin
Well... as a matter of fact...
Bike Gang Leader Person
Well look Ani.
(Pokes Anakin)
You better get rid of them thoughts. Nobody leaves my territory, No one!
Anakin
What are talking about? You can’t possibly run an entire planet, I wasn’t leaving anyway, I was simply looking at the stars, and why the hell do you talk like that?
The Bike Gang breaks into song. There is a huge musical number full of clicking and dancing and Kevin Bacon As soon as the song ends Ric Olie’s Dinosaur lands on top of them, killing all the bike gang members.
Ric
Quick, jump onboard! You need to come with me so later on you can become Darth Vader
Anakin
Wait, what?
He climbs onto the T-Rex and the Cyborg Dinosaur flies into space once more.