Still got my eye on this. Really looking forward.

I hesitate to suggest anything else as you say you've made up your mind on the crawl, but to echo what others have said, I think the first line needs to refer to the galaxy-wide struggle as opposed to that of our heroes. That way it stays in line with the rest of the saga. :-)

One of the main complaints about the ROTJ crawl is the lack of a sense of epic scale, right from the outset. Here's a quote from the article '50 reasons why Return of the Jedi sucks':

28. The Opening Text Crawl – In which we are given our first taste of each of the three films. Let’s compare their opening sentences, shall we?

WARS: “It is a period of civil war….”

EMPIRE: “It is a dark time for the Rebellion…”

JEDI: “Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. Charro guest stars.”

Okay, we threw in the part about Charro. But the point is, we’re talking mythic tracts versus a blurb from TV Guide. The first sentence in Jedi centers around the word “friend.” Well, that’s just peachy, but we much prefer the first two films’ implications that we’re about to see something a bit larger than a buddy picture.