I think it'd be fine as it is but if you were going to change it maybe instead of: "Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is constructing a new DEATH STAR in secret." It might work better as: "Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR."
Haha I've never noticed that before. If we do decide to redo it I'll mention that to L8wrtr. I'm leaving the decision to him as far as whether it gets redone, as he has to do it.
ChainsawAsh said:
Jedi is the only one of the six films to end its crawl with three dots instead of four. I don't know if this has been changed to four in your current crawl, but if you do end up re-doing it I think it'd be nice to make it four dots to keep the saga consistent.
NERD ALERT!
;-)
Tobar said:
I think it'd be fine as it is but if you were going to change it maybe instead of: "Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is constructing a new DEATH STAR in secret." It might work better as: "Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR."
Ya know, that does actually sound better.
Writing the proper crawl is an art form, and I think many fanedits with custom crawls don't give it enough care.
This revised crawl by hebrides is very good, but it could be tightened up just a bit.
Here's my stab at it:
After discovering the terrible truth of his father's fate, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his Jedi training with Master Yoda.
Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian has infiltrated the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE HUTT. Learning that Chewbacca has been captured, Lando has sent a message to Princess Leia. Growing impatient for Luke to return, the Princess has developed her own rescue plan.
Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...
(Better, but it might still need some additional polishing. When it says Lando learns of Chewbacca's capture, something about that doesn't seem quite right. Lando and Chewie were supposed to be working together, but the crawl makes it sound like they weren't.)
You know of the rebellion against the Empire?
The crawl text suggested lacks the dead pan hyperbolic style of the other crawls the language is more informal and less dramatic.
Here is one I did for Dan's edit :
Relentless in their pursuit of the freedom fighters, the Imperial Starfleet led by DARTH VADER has driven the Alliance to the fringes of the galaxy.
Anticipating the Rebels' every move, the EMPEROR has prepared for them a final defeat by ordering the construction of a terror weapon more destructive than the first dreaded Death Star.
Unaware of the sinister plots laid against him, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his training as a JEDI KNIGHT and to prepare to rescue Han Solo from the vile gangster Jabba The Hutt...
If you welcome any suggestions I would be happy to try another to your specific requirements.
I see what you mean, but the original crawl for ROTJ wasn't as interesting as the other films as well. I really just want to make sure i set up the story correctly, that's the goal. If it isn't as exciting to read, that's fine, but it has to give you a clear idea of where all of our main players are as the story starts, especially since so much is different.
Bingowings, I agree. I think the middle paragraph could use some more punching up. But I think the first and third are solid on their own.
You know of the rebellion against the Empire?
The text of the original crawl doesn't work for me because it starts with the personal and funnels out to the wider world.
To lead people into the story it works better if the crawl funnels down and then leads to the opening act of the story.
The first one starts with a general introduction, the details of the Rebels' obtaining the plans and what they are for and then leads into Leia's ship being pursued.
The second one start with a general recap and a description of the set up on Hoth, then Vader's pursuit of Luke and finally leads to the first scene the launch of the probes.
So this one should in my view, start with a recap and general state of the rebels, focus down to the introduction of the new threat and the personal interest that the Emperor is taking in it (as he has become the major villain of the piece) and then funnel down to the opening scene.
Good points. How's this thing going to open again? What's the first scene?
You know of the rebellion against the Empire?
This is my combination of everyones ideas. If L8wrtr decides he wouldn't mind doing one last pass, this is what I think will work the best.
After discovering the terrible truth of his father's fate, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his Jedi training with Master Yoda.
Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian has infiltrated the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE HUTT, preparing an attempt to rescue Han Solo. Learning that Chewbacca has been discovered and captured, Lando has sent a desperate message to Princess Leia. Growing impatient for Luke to return, the Princess has developed her own rescue plan.
Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...
Thoughts?
Oh sorry, didn't see your post. First scene is the same as usual, it goes to Vader arriving at the Death Star. After that to Dagobah. Once Yoda dies, it goes to Tattooine with Leia defrosting Han.
And in this case, I like that it starts with the personal. That's a big theme with the entire edit. Make it personal. Make it emotional. Make you feel something.
If your first scene is Dagobah your last paragraph should be about Luke.
If you first scene is Leia entering the Palace you last paragraph should be about her.
If your first scene is Vader arriving at the Death Star you last paragraph should be about that.
You should then restructure the text to funnel down to that point which is where the audience steps into the story.
Remember rescuing Han is only the first act the bulk of the story takes place after that and the crawl sets up the whole film not just the first act but it should lead into the first scene.
I can understand your attraction to starting with the personal but it breaks the form of the crawls upsets the tone.
If you lead people in with the general and then end on the specific you set up the experience for the audience.
The theatrical crawl doesn't work because where as the other crawls start with epic sweep and end on the first scene, the original crawl starts with almost a soap opera intro and ends with things of galactic importance.
Are you removing Luke's pursuing the truth from Yoda on his death bed?
Because if you are not you should maintain the uncertainty of Luke's paternity up until that scene.
The crawl shouldn't make a scene in the film redundant, if Luke knows why would he ask?
Well, you have sort of contradicted yourself. As I am starting on the Death Star, my last paragraph should be about that, which it is. But it's also the matter of galactic importance, and therefore by your rationale should be first.
I don't have a lot of time to put all this out there, and I have things I need to set up. This seemingly "defined structure" of opening crawls is intriguing, but ultimately unnecessary to me. The crawl serves a simple point, and that is to set the story up so the viewer knows what's going on. And I think if anyone is watching the edit, reads the crawl, feels they know what's going on, and enjoys the rest of the movie, it has served its purpose.
I appreciate where you're coming from and thank you for the feedback, but getting the crawl "trilogy accurate" isn't really a priority for me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you are a Star Wars fan that requires continuity, exact replication or other "purism" you may want to look elsewhere as far as Return of the Jedi edits go.
I think those are good guidelines and I like the direction of the change in the second paragraph. EDIT: but I totally see your priorities, Spence. Get it done is job #1.
I would remove that part that says "Growing impatient for Luke to return, the Princess has developed her own plan."
If it is left at Lando sending a message to the Princess, then we will be more "surprised" by the Princess' plan. EDIT: In other words, telling us she has a plan is redundant.
Spence, your latest crawl is good - I can live with that :)
I was thinking about what Bingowings said, and I've thrown together something with a little more punch. I left your final paragraph the same.
The Rebel Alliance has been driven to the fringes of the galaxy. Still burdened by the terrible truth of his father's fate, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his Jedi training with Master Yoda.
Meanwhile, in a daring attempt to rescue Han Solo, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca have infiltrated the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE HUTT. Upon learning of Chewbacca's capture, Princess Leia has impatiently rushed to Tatooine to free her friends.
Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...
You know of the rebellion against the Empire?
If you like I will give it some thought tomorrow and you can do what you like with what I come up with (crucially including utterly rejecting it).
It's an interesting challenge to balance everything but seeing as this is the first thing your audience will see it is important to get it right and because it's your edit that you personally are happy with it.
I will need to know if Yoda is still to be quizzed about Vader's identity.
MTHaslett said:
If it is left at Lando sending a message to the Princess, then we will be more "surprised" by the Princess' plan. EDIT: In other words, telling us she has a plan is redundant.
Genius.
You know of the rebellion against the Empire?
Erikstormtrooper said:
Spence, your latest crawl is good - I can live with that :)
I was thinking about what Bingowings said, and I've thrown together something with a little more punch. I left your final paragraph the same.
The Rebel Alliance has been driven to the fringes of the galaxy. Still burdened by the terrible truth of his father's fate, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his Jedi training with Master Yoda.
Meanwhile, in a daring attempt to rescue Han Solo, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca have infiltrated the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE HUTT. Upon learning of Chewbacca's capture, Princess Leia has impatiently rushed to Tatooine to free her friends.Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...
This seems the best to me. I give it my stamp of approval.
Still burdened by the terrible truth of his father's fate, Luke Skywalker has returned to Dagobah to complete his Jedi training.
Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca have infiltrated the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE HUTT. Learning that Chewbacca has been discovered and captured, Lando has sent a desperate message to Princess Leia.
Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE is secretly constructing a new DEATH STAR. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the galaxy....
I think this is what I'm going with. Sort of a combination of everyones ideas.
My 2¢:
I'd definitely add in "The Rebel Alliance has been driven to the fringes of the galaxy." at the beginning. It sets up the current situation for the Rebels, just like the first two films did. ("It is a period of civil war." and "It is a dark time for the Rebellion.") And it grabs the audience more.
Also, your second paragraph fails to mention Han at all. On top of that, "Upon learning of Chewbacca's capture" is just a better-written, more active sentence than "Learning that Chewbacca has been discovered and captured." Plus, it's slightly shorter. I'm indifferent on "Lando has sent a desperate message to Princes Leia" versus "Princess Leia has impatiently rushed to Tatooine to free her friends" - I think I lean more toward the latter, but they're both good.
Finally, I'm also indifferent toward "certain doom for the galaxy" versus "certain doom for the small band of Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy."
Here's my compromise attempt:
STAR WARS
Episode VI
RETURN OF THE JEDI
The Rebel Alliance has been driven
to the fringes of the galaxy. Still burdened
by the terrible truth of his father's fate,
Luke Skywalker has returned to
Dagobah to complete his Jedi training
under Master Yoda.
Meanwhile, in a daring attempt to
rescue Han Solo, Lando Calrissian
and Chewbacca have infiltrated
the court of the vile gangster JABBA THE
HUTT. Upon learning of Chewbacca's discovery
and capture, Lando has sent a desperate
plea for help to Princess Leia.
Little do they know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE
has secretly begun construction of a new
DEATH STAR. When completed, this
ultimate weapon will spell certain doom
for the galaxy....
This formatting actually uses fewer lines than the 1977 Star Wars crawl, so you shouldn't have timing issues.
--edit--
I'm not sure why we have a "center align" button when it doesn't do a damn thing, but whatever.
Thanks Ash. I'm going to use some of that. And I'm going to respectfully table the crawl suggestions conversation. I think I've got it where I need it, and I don't want to over-analyze it.
I rather like your version of the crawl ChainsawAsh. I think it starts out better and "doom for the galaxy" works better. If L8wtr is not busy, Chainsaw Ash's would be an ideal crawl to create.
I'm using a lot of that with a couple slight alterations.