Star Wars - The Vader Confidential Edits - Episode I Completed and Available! — Page 2

As much as I'd love to be able to do some really radical editing to create something wholly different, my skills are just not up to the task. As such I'm trying to keep my edits confined to what I am capable of doing.

I just don't think it's feasible to cut out Anakin as a child or move some of the major events between films. As much as I would love to do so.

I've written my own prequels which I may eventually illustrate into comic format if I'm so inclined. The basics of my view of the prequels is that the Empire is already in existence in Episode I and Republic loyalists are fighting a losing battle against imperial conquest. The Jedi are mostly gone at this stage. Anakin is a young man, not a child, when he meets brash and daring young Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. The two become instant friends and Obi-Wan takes on Anakin as his apprentice. The clone wars becomes the final conflict of the reformation from Republic to Empire. and in Episode III The republic falls permanently and the Jedi purge commences. At its very basic form. If anyone is interested in a more detailed description perhaps I'll make a thread for my prequels over in the script writing forum.

2nd draft of my Episode 1 opening crawl. Zeroing in on something I'm happy with. As always, suggestions, comment and criticism welcome.

Star Wars

Episode I

The Gathering Storm

It is a period of civil unrest. The Galactic Republic, which has stood for over a thousand generations, is in decline. Corruption, greed and apathy have taken root. The seeds of evil are sown throughout the Galaxy.

The wicked Trade Federation has seized control of the Alderaan system with a blockade of deadly battleships. As the senate looks on, the supreme chancellor calls upon the Jedi, guardians of peace and justice in the Galaxy, to resolve the conflict.

Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn, overseeing young Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi's trials of knighthood, has been dispatched to liberate Alderaan from the tyranny of the Federation and restore freedom to the peaceful system....

Still looking for a title that I think works and is dramatic. I'm liking The Gathering Storm more than my previous iteration The Coming Storm. All suggestions happily accepted, no guarantees that I will take them though ;)

Pagz said:

The Gathering Storm

 

Pretty generic. Like the Coming storm title, it reminds more a terminator fanedit rather a spaceopera. Not to mention all the drama and the noir feeling that all these titles have, are changing the tone. I will reference the old good space adventure, Starchaser the legend of Orin. Pretty solid title and its focuced on the protagonist. plus we never see a storm. I like the word warps but it doesnt feel to the star wars style. As Phantom menace title failed dont fall into the same pit.

 

It is a period of civil unrest. The Galactic Republic, which has stood for over a thousand generations, is in decline. Corruption, greed and apathy have taken root. The seeds of evil are sown throughout the Galaxy.

The wicked Trade Federation has seized control of the Alderaan system with a blockade of deadly battleships. As the senate looks on, the supreme chancellor calls upon the Jedi, guardians of peace and justice in the Galaxy, to resolve the conflict.

Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn, overseeing young Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi's trials of knighthood, has been dispatched to liberate Alderaan from the tyranny of the Federation and restore freedom to the peaceful system....

 

Galaxy, Jedi, Alderaan, Federation, system, were used twice. I would like more variation and less specific names.

I like some words that give the ANH feel so its an up. I like to see Bingo's idea of having the shots of the cruiser escaping from the trade fed and the whole movie will be reordered.

 

Still looking for a title that I think works and is dramatic. I'm liking The Gathering Storm more than my previous iteration The Coming Storm. All suggestions happily accepted, no guarantees that I will take them though ;)

Its awesome really that the name gunray never been spoken in the movie but more often in the later two movies.

Nice establishing!

A good Star Wars title is a tricky thing. You need something short, dramatic, with a little nostalgia for the old Flash Gordon serials, but not so much that it becomes goofy. That's the real failing of the titles of Episodes I and II is that they're too goofy and too referential to the Flash Gordon tradition. The Phantom Menace is clearly taken from chapter ten of the original Flash Gordon serial "The Unseen Peril". The serial chapters for Flash Gordon are very silly, so you have to be careful when trying to evoke that nostalgia that you don't fall into the trap of being too campy.

Vaderios: I've been struggling with those repeated words. I agree, there's too much repetition of terms in the crawl. I'll be bashing out another draft tonight.

Bingo: I've never really liked the name Gunray. Like many of the names George came up with for the prequels, it's silly and goofy. Also, I think pinning the scheme on one individual is less threatening than having it be the machinations of a powerful and corrupt organization. That's just my thoughts on it.

Frink: Not to worry, if I don't end up using the gathering storm it won't be because someone else has.

Bingo:

I appreciate your line of thought on this, and I agree that generally it's a single individual that pushes things. I'm changing much of the dialogue for the federation however. I'm planning to paint a picture of a very powerful and influential organization. Such that this particular move isn't necessarily a game ender for them if it goes wrong. In the senate scene the trade federation won't be claiming ignorance but will in fact be supporting the legality of their actions and demanding that a commission be appointed to determine the legality of their occupation.

here's a thought. I've been thinking about the trade federation and their motivations and background. I really loved the whole slavers idea magfan used in his edit Balance of the Force, and I've been operating on the assumption that I would follow suit. However, I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't take a different angle since the slavery one has already been done.

So, I started thinking about Spice. Perhaps the trade federation's main good was spice, and now spice has been outlawed (hence spice smugglers like Han Solo come the OT). It would give the prequel another tie to the OT and narcotics distribution is certainly a very powerful and corrupt industry. This isn't to say that they couldn't also be slave traders or trade in other nefarious goods, like weapons or something.

Does anyone have any thoughts or bright ideas? What do you think of Spice? Yes? No? Looking forward to your comments :)

Those are some really good and interesting ideas Bingo, I like them a lot. I'm not sure how I'd convey all of that information succinctly in the context of the film, especially the notion of the Neimoidians having been "gods" to the Gungans. I certainly like the idea though. I think though, seeing as I'm turning Naboo into Alderaan that this approach might not gel with the OT. I still might incorporate some of those ideas though, I like the Falklands comparison especially.

as far as the connection between the spice in Star Wars and the Spice in Dune, while I'm sure George stole the name and the idea of it being a narcotic, I expect that's where the similarity ends. I shouldn't imagine it has the same properties as melange. Not that its nature truly matters, it's barely mentioned in the OT either, it's just a little bit of background colour for people's imaginations to launch on to and wonder about.

I think putting the god stuff into the film will probably be a bit too much, so I'm going to take a pass on that idea for my edit. As far as the Naboo being the humans on Alderaan that can work. I don't know that I want to waste space in the crawl explaining it as space is at a premium there, but I'm sure I can work it in somehow in the trade federation or gungan dialogue.

The Alderaan angle is going to be tricky considering how often the name Naboo shows up in dialogue. Some of that dialogue can be cut, some subtitled, but there are probably going to be instances where I can't get around the word Naboo. As far as naming the capital city Naboo, that would be fine but the problem is a race is rarely named after a capital city on their planet.

I'm hoping I can find some examples of the name Alderaan used in the films, the clone wars series and the Star Wars: A Musical Journey DVD.

After discussing the matter with a number of my friends I've decided on pursuing the spice angle for the Trade Federation. I really like the ties to the original trilogy, not only with Han Solo, but also Luke's belief that his father had been a navigator on a spice freighter.

I'm still open to suggestions for a title. Right now I like The Gathering Storm as I feel it's descriptive of the film and how this story marks the beginning of the end for the Republic. I also feel it evokes the right kind of Nostalgia for the classic Flash Gordon serial titles without being overly goofy or melodramatic.

I would really love to incorporate Darth Maul's "Litany of Fear" in the film, but I'm just not sure how to best do so. If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them.

Here's the current version of the crawl. Not too much has changed:

Star Wars

Episode I

THE GATHERING STORM

It is a period of civil unrest. The Galactic Republic, which has stood for over a thousand generations, is in decline. Corruption, greed and apathy have taken root. The seeds of evil are sown throughout the Galaxy.

The sinister Trade Federation has seized control of the planet Alderaan with a blockade of deadly battleships. As the senate looks on, the supreme chancellor calls upon the Jedi, guardians of peace and justice in the Galaxy, to resolve the conflict.

Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn, tasked with overseeing young Obi-Wan Kenobi's trials of knighthood, has been dispatched to liberate Alderaan from the tyranny of the Federation and to restore freedom to the once peaceful system....

Hi Like the sound of this - like the crawl - The word Alderaan brings all kinds of nostalgia from the original film which is cool.

Never thought about it before but why didnt Lucas use Alderaan more in the prequels? Getting to see what Alderaan is like would have been nice and make the destruction of it later all the more emotional. oh well...

I've just finished watching the 2003 Clone Wars series and the Star Wars: A Musical Journey DVD in search of usable dialogue. There's a lot of great stuff on the musical journey DVD, but alas I did not find the most important puzzle piece I was looking for, Ian McDiarmid saying the name Alderaan. There were a few points where I thought he was going to, but the writer apparently has a personal vendetta against me ;)

If anyone knows any examples of any of the main characters using the name Alderaan please point me in the right direction. I know Panaka says Alderaan when discussing the nominations for the new supreme chancelor, but aside from that I'm drawing a blank. I'll even take examples from the new Clone Wars series. Do Palpatine or Padme ever say Alderaan? They're the 2 most important characters I want to get samples for.

So I've found one instance of Padme saying "Alderaan" in the clone wars. Season 3, episode 7. Still looking for more examples, and for some from Palpatine.

As I've mentioned before, I'm replacing the Trade federation dialogue with Japanese. As such I'll be writing my own subtitles for the Neimoidians so that their dialogue carries more weight and conveys more story wise. Here's my first pass at the opening scenes aboard the federation command ship. Comments welcomed and appreciated. Hopefully a video mock up coming soon.

Trade Federation dialogue:

TC-14 delivers the news of the Jedi's arrival.

Viceroy: Report. Who has the Chancellor sent?

TC-14: The Chancellor has sent 2 Jedi Knights excellency.

Underling: Jedi! This gambit is getting out of hand!

Viceroy: Stay calm! I have everything under control. See to the Jedi while I contact the Dark Lord.

Underling: Are you kidding me? Those Jedi can see into your soul! Send the droid.

Viceroy contacts the Dark Lord.

Underling: My lord, Jedi have been sent to end the blockade! We must abandon this course before they learn of your involvement or we'll all be finished!

Dark Lord: Viceroy, I don't want this slime in my sight again. This turn of events is unfortunate, we must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops.

Viceroy: Invade? But the senate will never sanction the legality of...

Dark Lord: I will make it legal.

Viceroy: And what of the Jedi?

Dark Lord: Kill them immediately.

Viceroy: It shall be as you command my lord. (alternate possibility: It will be done my lord.)

Jedi/Droid battle.

Holographic Viceroy to battledroids: Terminate the Jedi. They must not be allowed to escape.

On the bridge -

Viceroy: Report! What happened?

Bridge officer: Security team Alpha has been wiped out.

Underling: Your security droids are no match for Jedi Knights!

Viceroy: I didn't hear you coming up with any bright ideas! Activate the Destroyers immediately.

Bridge officer: Yes sir.

Underling: That will only delay the inevitable.

Viceroy: Secure the bridge!

Underling: You've doomed us all!

As Qui-Gon begins cutting through the sealed door -

Viceroy: Close the blast doors.

Blast doors close -

Viceroy: All security teams to the bridge NOW!

Door begins to burn -

Underling: They're breaking through!

Viceroy: No, they're sealing their fate.

Chunk of door falls away -

Underling: Your overconfidence will be our undoing!

Destroyers arrive and Jedi flee -

Underling: My deepest apologies excellency. You were right.

Bridge officer: Sir, our internal sensors have lost them.

Communication from Alderaan -

Bridge officer: Incoming transmission from the Naboo Palace on Alderaan.

Viceroy: Queen Amidala, I am so pleased to see you.

Queen: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say Viceroy, your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Viceroy: Has it indeed?

Queen: I have word that the chancellor's ambassadors are with you know, and you have been commanded to reach settlement.

Viceroy: There are no Jedi here, I assure you. And this runs much deeper than a simple trade boycott majesty.

Queen: Beware Viceroy, the federation has gone too far this time.

Viceroy: Do not assume that we will ignore your role in crippling our commerce, or that the senate will ignore our ancient claim on this system. You will not prevail.

Queen: We'll see.

Underling: Excellency! You said Jedi, not...

Viceroy: I'm aware of what I said!

Underling: We must jam their communications at once!

Viceroy: Agreed. Launch the invasion force. Alderaan will be ours once again.

I`m currently running with the idea that the trade federation has a claim on the Alderaan system, kinda like the falkland islands (Kudos to Bingo for the suggestion). Further, Alderaan was a key player in the outlawing of Spice, the trade federations main commodity.