Okay, so this is going to sound a bit like a Sean Wookie thread. ;)
I am sure there are plenty of better ways to get the information I am seeking, but I know there are plenty of pet owners here, which means I am sure plenty of you have lost pets.
My problem is I have never been extremely attached to an animal and had to suffer losing it. I've lost pets, and it has made me sad, but that isn't the same as loosing that pet that you have had from childhood into adulthood, has been there with you through all your life's hardest moments and greatest challenges, and at times felt like your only friend in the world. I have never had this kind of attachment to an animal, I can try to imagine what it would be like, but having never gone through it myself, there is really no way.
My problem is that someone I am very close to is likely going to be going through that very thing quite soon, and I really need to know what I can do or say or not say and not do after it happens, in order to be as supportive and as understanding as possible. Their cat is very elderly, and had been very healthy up until things started to rapidly decline a few weeks ago, I don't think it has long now. They are very attached to the cat and have had it since they were a teenager.
Any serious advice would be nice?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
I'm not at that point, my dogs are still young, but I don't look forward to having to go through it. Definitely don't do the cliched "You can get another one". They'll come to that point on their own. Just be there, listen to their stories. That's all I can think of doing.
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doubleofive said:
Just be there, listen to their stories.
This.
We lost our dog about two years ago and it was hard. But I think back to a bigger tragedy we suffered and I can tell you the most helpful thing by far was when people would allow us to talk about what had happened. Note that we didn't always feel like talking, so don't force it. But if they want to talk, just listen.
The important thing is to offer your friend the same level of support as if they were losing a human relative or companion.
I remember when one of my cats was knocked down outside our house all our neighbours were really attached to our cats too (we had two and they were always doing bizarrely humourous things).
My then better half was very vocally distressed so I had to do the practical things like see if the poor thing could be saved and to remove and dispose of the body.
That morning I was rather emotionally traumatised and had to organise so much but I had just started a new job.
I couldn't come in, I wouldn't have been much help there if I did.
I was needed where I was but the agency I was working with thought it was some kind of joke (like pulling a sickie, something I've never done).
If it wasn't for the neighbours and their kids being so supportive I would probably have lost the job.
So that's my advice, listen offer support (but don't push it) and take the thing as seriously as you would any other impending bereavement.
I can't bare the idea of having another pet but I enjoy being around other people's.
Some people will want to get another pet as soon as possible.
At the moment there is still a beloved creature around in distress and if you can visit the vet with your friend and lend support as they make difficult decisions that is the best thing you can do.
My pets are my kids. 3PX's post actually bummed me out all this morning.
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Sorry you're going through this, C3PX. I know how it is to lose pets. I've lost two(three if you count my Grandmother's dog that were taking care of after she died) dogs in my life. You'll also recall that I talked on here about the dog I have right now having a cancerous tumor and that I thought she was going to die. Fortunately, they were able to get the tumor removed and she is fine now. I lost my first dog when I was about ten. My second when I was 23. The first dog had been sick for awhile and it just got to the point when my parents finally decided to put her to sleep. It didn't hit me until my Dad got home from the vet. I remember that night. I cried a lot. But, I was able to get over it in a few days. The second dog was more difficult. He god sick very suddenly. We took him to Penn Animal Hospital they had him a couple of days. We thought he was getting better and they released him to us. About 15 minutes after we got him home he was dead. I could tell something was wrong and he was having difficulty breathing. Perhaps, if I had insisted more that we take him immediately to our local vet, they could have done something and would have lived. I don't know. For a while, I blamed myself for his death. It was difficult. I got over it, but not for a long while. Losing a pet is tough. They may not be people, but they are a part of your family. Everyone on here has given good advice. Best thing you can do for them is just be there for them. Just them know you're there if they need you. Whatever you do, don't be an ass and say stuff like "at least its only a cat and not a person" or "you can just get another one". You can ask "are you going to get another one?". But wait awhile before asking, at least about, two weeks(but maybe longer depending on how they are doing). Losing a pet can be difficult, you tell yourself its just an animal, but your heart knows the pet was part of your family. Yes, you can get another, but its won't be the same as the pet you lost. When a relative died, you get the funeral, people giving you their sympathies and whatnot. You get closure. I didn't get closure when my pets died. I did have people telling me how sorry they were, but didn't get real closure. I suppose we could have had a kind of funeral for the dogs, but it we didn't. It just didn't feel proper to have a funeral for a dog. Maybe it might have made things easier, I don't know. Well that's about all I can say. I'll say a prayer for you and your friends, C3PX.
C3PX I am right there with you, our miniature POM has a bad ticker and is on meds for it but we fear that he will lose the battle soon, it is terrible and my Family is not going to take it well, neither will I for that matter, we had him since he was a very tiny pup, he is getting old but it sure does not help the matter any, and our pets are like our kids to.
Agree completely. Most will simply say that it just a pet, but it really affects you in a deeper way. The longer the relationship, the harder it is to say goodbye.
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C3PX,
I will attempt to summarize:
1. Definitely say, "But you can just get another one!" It sounds like a real winner. Though I'm not sure what you can say when she shouts, "But I DON'T want another one! I just want ***** back! Boo hoo hoo!" That seems pretty iron clad. I guess just hope she doesn't say that.
Actually that's probably all of the advice you'll need. Most of the time I've found honestly saying "Wow, I have no idea what you're going through because I have nothing to compare it to." to be of more service than trying to stretch anything like, "I remember when my first NES stopped working. I cried for days." or something like that.
Seriously though... I don't mean to single you out 005, but the "my pets are my kids" sentiment really rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have kids... and I guess they must really misunderstand what having kids is like. I can understand being very attached to an animal... but nothing like actually having (human) kids. Though having a (dog) puppy is probably very similar to having a (goat) kid. Maybe that's what is meant.
IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!
"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005
"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM
"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.
xhonzi said:
1. Definitely say, "But you can just get another one!" It sounds like a real winner.
?
xhonzi said:
Seriously though... I don't mean to single you out 005, but the "my pets are my kids" sentiment really rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have kids... and I guess they must really misunderstand what having kids is like actually having (human) kids.
the above rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have pets... and I guess they must misunderstand what having pets is like.
dark_jedi said:
C3PX I am right there with you, our miniature POM has a bad ticker and is on meds for it but we fear that he will lose the battle soon, it is terrible and my Family is not going to take it well, neither will I for that matter, we had him since he was a very tiny pup, he is getting old but it sure does not help the matter any, and our pets are like our kids to.
sorry to hear that, DJ. I'll say a prayer for you too.
Warbler said:
xhonzi said:
1. Definitely say, "But you can just get another one!" It sounds like a real winner.
?
sarcasm?
xhonzi said:
Seriously though... I don't mean to single you out 005, but the "my pets are my kids" sentiment really rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have kids... and I guess they must really misunderstand what having kids is like actually having (human) kids.
the above rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have pets... and I guess they must misunderstand what having pets is like.
I have had (and do have) both kids and pets. Can you say the same, Warbler? And are you saying that you equate animal and human life?
IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!
"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005
"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM
"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.
xhonzi said:
Warbler said:
xhonzi said:
1. Definitely say, "But you can just get another one!" It sounds like a real winner.
?
sarcasm?
ok then.
xhonzi said:
xhonzi said:
Seriously though... I don't mean to single you out 005, but the "my pets are my kids" sentiment really rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have kids... and I guess they must really misunderstand what having kids is like actually having (human) kids.
the above rubs me the wrong way. It's usually opined by people that don't have pets... and I guess they must misunderstand what having pets is like.
I have had (and do have) both kids and pets. Can you say the same, Warbler?
No, I haven't had kids. But my brother and his wife adopted a little girl from China(she is now almost 4 years old). I am very close to her. So I do know a little of what it's like.
xhonzi said:
And are you saying that you equate animal and human life?
no. When we say "my pets are my kids" we mean it figuratively, not literally.
When I put my first dog down due to cancer, it was heart wrenching. She was much more a part of my life then I had ever realized, and the void that was left after her death devastated me. It was important for me to immediately change my life routine, and daily activities so that I could help remove the blatant reminders of our time together. I would avoid the places I would walk her, and the parks we would go play at until at least a few months after. Time DOES heal all wounds, but everyone needs their own amount of time to adjust. Within six months I had two new adopted dogs to care for. They did not replace my first dog, but they did help me move on. Now these dogs are hitting middle age, and I see that their time is winding down. My main focus is to treat them with as much love and care that I possibly can. I never say I am too busy or make excuses to avoid their daily care, attention, and play time. Even though my family and friends consoled me and told me what a wonderful pet owner I was, I was still hunted by my own guilt after my pets death. I was continuously asking myself if I truly gave her the beast I could, because she gave such unconditional love to me. Now, I got to go hug my dogs, and cat!
“First feel fear, then get angry. Then go with your life into the fight.” - Bill Mollison
Warbler said:
xhonzi said:
And are you saying that you equate animal and human life?
no. When we say "my pets are my kids" we mean it figuratively, not literally.
I was about to say that, but Warb beat me to it. I am sure that if you asked 005 if he imagined the loss of one of his pets would impact him in the same way the loss of a child would, he wouldn't hesitate to say that it wouldn't. I don't think there is anything wrong with people saying they consider their pets their children.
Sorry if I bummed some of you out with this thread. I just woke up this morning realizing that this situation could sneak up on me any day now, and I'd hate to do the wrong thing.
Bingo's advice to treat it like any other kind of death in the family was my first inclination (human death is something I am used to dealing with), but in reality, I don't think I can really do that or react that drastically.
Warb, one of your comments really struck me. You mentioned not getting closure from the death of your pet like you get from the death of a human loved one. If it doesn't feel like I am probing into painful memories for you, may I ask what might have provided you closure? Would an animal funeral, or at least some gesture of memorial (framed blown up photo of the animal, for example) been appropriate or some how made you feel your beloved animal was being paid the tribute it deserved? Or would that have just made things worse and more painful? Or simply seem to be going overboard and trying too hard?
Another important question, how soon is too soon to bring over a replacement pet?
"I remember when my first NES stopped working. I cried for days." or something like that.
Oh man! Now that IS a painful memory!!! Why must you bring up such painful subject matter!... only my NES never died (see, that is why I am a console owner and not a pet owner, ha! I win!), instead it was sold to my best friend by my very own back stabbing sister! Okay, well, it was technically her console... but it still hurt ;) Few years later I found one at a thrift store with a remarkably low price tag for the time and brought it home and have loved it ever since. Refitted it with some new pins a few years back and now it works like new. Even sleeps at the foot of my bed every night... it doesn't get along too well with my Famicom though.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
C3PX said:
Another important question, how soon is too soon to bring over a replacement pet?
I don't think this will answer your question, but everyone grieves differently. There is no correct answer to this.
When I said treat it as you would a human death I meant in terms of sensitivity and response.
How we support people in bereavement or imminent bereavement can only have a limited and often unpredictable effect but by quietly taking whatever happens with the same degree of sensitivity is the best you can do.
When my father was dying I was pretty much forced to stay at university and I was given a rather mixed level of support.
Some of my student house mates kicked up a stink when I wanted to get a telephone connection to the house so that he and other family members could keep in contact with me.
This was even when I was prepared to pay for the thing myself and have it in my room because they thought I was emotionally blackmailing them into paying for it (If I had to pay for a connection it would make them look bad was their reasoning).
Now my father was much more important to me than my cat but I got more support for the death of a pet than I did for the death of my parent.
If I had the same amount of support the more impacting bereavement would have been more tolerable than it was and not less because later on a dead cat generated a similar amount of support.
Support is support.
I wouldn't suggest getting a replacement pet but keep your ears open to any signs of your friend thinking about it and then speak as you feel is appropriate.
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C3PX said:
Warb, one of your comments really struck me. You mentioned not getting closure from the death of your pet like you get from the death of a human loved one. If it doesn't feel like I am probing into painful memories for you, may I ask what might have provided you closure? Would an animal funeral, or at least some gesture of memorial (framed blown up photo of the animal, for example) been appropriate or some how made you feel your beloved animal was being paid the tribute it deserved? Or would that have just made things worse and more painful? Or simply seem to be going overboard and trying too hard?
I'm not sure what would have given me closure. I don't think a pet funeral would have been right for me, but maybe good for others. I also don't think a photo of the dog would have given me closure, not that I would have minded the photo.
TV's Frink said:
C3PX said:
Another important question, how soon is too soon to bring over a replacement pet?
I don't think this will answer your question, but everyone grieves differently. There is no correct answer to this.
I agree. Its a decision the pet owner has to make for himself/herself.
Well I know this thread had died off a bit, but I just thought I would share this, our little guy just passed away this morning right in front of all of us, I knew he was getting very close last night so I called my oldest son home and he rushed right over, we all got our last pictures and such and then he passed this morning at 6:30 AM, DAMN, was it painful to watch, we have decided to have him privately cremated and bought a very special urn, tough times right now for us, very sad.
Just thought I would share.
When our dog was on death's door, we called a mobile vet service that came and put her to sleep in our house. It was painful but also nice knowing she died on her favorite blanket in her favorite room.
Best wishes, d_j.
Best wishes Dark_Jedi , even though its a dog its still a treasured member off the family. Always remember the good times you and your family had being in the company of a faithful friend.
Horrible situation Dark_Jedi and my sympathy to your family and yourself.
I've been working my way through my recently acquired David Attenborough box sets and the other day there was an clip of Macaws doing what Macaws do and the loud squawks brought back memories of Saphy (the blue and gold macaw that kept me for a pet for pretty much thirty years..well I say pet but she had trained me to do tricks like fill her food and water bowl, give her baths and change her newspaper twice a day and feed her curry and polos which she was crazy about).
Every Christmas I get this compulsion to save the wrapping paper as she loved to climb inside it, tear it to ribbons and throw it at me, it doesn't seem festive without that any more.
dark_jedi said:
Well I know this thread had died off a bit, but I just thought I would share this, our little guy just passed away this morning right in front of all of us, I knew he was getting very close last night so I called my oldest son home and he rushed right over, we all got our last pictures and such and then he passed this morning at 6:30 AM, DAMN, was it painful to watch, we have decided to have him privately cremated and bought a very special urn, tough times right now for us, very sad.
Just thought I would share.
Sorry hear that Dark_jedi. You have my sympathies. One of my dogs passed away in front of me. I know what it is like. Your family will be in my prayers.
You have my condolences, dark_jedi. That's sad news.