Inspired by the current discussion on the Politics thread (and not an attempt to derail it).
I thought it would be a good idea for a thread for users to pose embarrassing, worrying or life threatening situations and for the rest of us to offer possible solutions.
Pictures are welcome and humour is welcome too but if the subject posted is of a personal or sensitive nature please reply accordingly.
You are fighting the urge for something sweet all day, finally you break down and go to the store. You grab a big jug of milk and swing by the candy isle to pick up some peanut butter cups. You look at the Reeses' and you look at the off brand, trying hard to decide what you are in the mood for. Do you want good ol' Hershey's chocolate, or the over the top sweetness of the off brand? You decide to go for the off brand, besides, they are not individually wrapped in foil and make less trash for you to deal with.
So you get home, pour a nice glass of milk, sit down and tear open that bag only to discover the worse thing imaginable... a large clump of chocolate and peanut butter with little wax paper cups throughout. What do you do?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
take it back to the store and complain?
I wasn't expecting to be thrown in the deep end so soon.
It's definitely a biggy.
Speaking from a regional perspective, in the land of my forefathers we have an ancient saying.
"If in doubt cover it in batter and deep fry it".
I wouldn't deep fry the wax paper though (I'm not from Glasgow) but with a little presentation even deep fried melted chocolate and peanut butter can adopt an aura of mystique and sophistication which really goes well with a nice glass of milk.
If you are a cool milk guy remember to put that baby in the fridge before firing up the hot oil and keep a damp tea cloth and a cool head about you just in case lady luck decides to leave the room and the kitchen becomes a nutty choc inferno.
You are at the house of someone you have just recently met. You really like this person, they are a lot of fun and you foresee the potential for a long enduring friendship.
You have just come back from eating a very filling lunch and you really need to dump a load in a it's-crowning-and-there-is-no-way-to-force-it-back-in sort of way. Normally you have very strict rules about where you are willing to relieve yourself, and the homes of friends are generally off limits, no matter how long you have known them. However, this is an emergency situation. You politely ask, "May I use your restroom?" To which they respond by scrunching up their face and saying, "Of course!" in a manner as if to say "You do not even have to ask, silly!" Very nice of them.
A few minutes later and you push the flush and the worse thing imaginable happens... rather than swirling in a downward spiral and disappearing with a gracious belch, the contents swirl in an upward spiral and go nowhere with an ungracious choke. You stare downward for a moment in sheer horror, take a few deep breaths, count to five, and begin quietly scrounging around for the plunger... turns out they don't own one. What do you do?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
Clearly, climb through the window and never speak to them again.
Hmm the old touching cloth leading to unsinkable Molly scenario.
This may take some time.
First thing ventilate the dangerzone nothing ruins romance more than the pong of poo.
Cover the beastie with a reasonable membrane of tissue and grit your teeth, clear your mind and find an inner calm.
Then push that bugger so it vanishes down the U-bend.
Then flush.
It may take time and if so wash your paws while the cistern fills.
If the basin has filled with water, wait a bit, access the situation the water may find a way through the wall of ex-food.
Don't Panic!
If the water does drain flush again (you may get lucky and have unblocked the pipe).
If not put bring down your coat.
Evacuate to a nice restaurant and make out that this was your plan from the very beginning but you wanted to keep it as a surprise.
Get a plumber to sort the mess out in the morning.
You are in a foreign country and have only managed to learn a small handful of words in the local language from the useless phrasebook your sister in-law bought you right before you left. You successfully manage to hail a taxi, and using your ten world vocabulary you very plainly explain to him where you want to go in great unmistakable details. Hotel Bingadegolanadfingo, where you have an important meeting to attend in 20 minutes time. Just to make sure the cab driver understood you, you ask the cab driver, "Did you understand me?" in his own language (according to your dollar store quality cheapo phrasebook). He reassuringly responds with three English "yes"s in rapid succession, putting your mind at ease and allowing you to relax.
Five minutes later you realize you are now heading in the opposite direction of Hotel Bingadegolanadfingo. Rapidly flipping through the phrasebook you try to find the words to express, "Where the hell are you taking me?!". After a few moments of worriedly uttering a chain of words that probably made very little sense, but still seemed to manage to express your deep concerns, the cab driver replies with three simple English sentences, "No. Yes. Is good." Now in even more confusion and panic, you begin to ramble off more words, rearranging them in various ways out of desperation. The cab driver raises his hand to calm you down, looks over his shoulder at while still driving, smiles at you reassuringly and says, "Yes. Yes. Yes. American embassy."
Befuddled, you counter him with, "No. No. No. American embassy! Hotel Bingadegolanadfingo!" To which he responds, now laughing good naturedly, "Yes. Yes. Yes. American embassy." He laughs a little more and throws in "No worry!", just to reassure you he does, in fact, know how to get to the American embassy. He continues to drive in the wrong direction, taking you farther and farther away from your important meeting at Hotel Bingadegolanadfingo, which is now taking place in just over five minutes time. No matter what you say, you cannot seem to convince him that the American embassy is not where you want to go. The car is traveling at a steady 45 mph/72 kph per hour. What do you do?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
Haha! All the solutions have been pretty awesome so far. Bingo's unsinkable Molly solution had me on the floor.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
This is starting to feel like a "things that happened to CP3S" thread.
You wake up in the morning and hop in the shower. You reach for the shampoo bottle and... it is empty. Crap! Oh well, you'll just use some of your wife's shampoo, you won't be getting close enough to anyone for them to catch onto the fact that your head smells like lilacs.
You lather up and rinse, but realize your hair now feels very thick and clumpy. Like you hadn't washed it in weeks. Weird. Oh well, second time ought to take care of it. You squirt another glob of shampoo on your hand, and lather up a second time. Your hair feels even thicker and clumpier now. What the heck?! You rinse and rinse and rinse, but the clumpiness only gets worse. You toss conditioner in there in hopes it will help, but no, matters only get worse. You decide desperate times call for desperate measures and glob some body wash into your hair in hopes that will fix the problem, but your hair still feels like it has been coated with wax. You get out, dry off, and look in the mirror. All looks well, only your hair has such a thick invisible layer of God-knows-what on it that you can mold it like plasticine. It also feels extremely funky. What the heck?! What do you do?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
TV's Frink said:
This is starting to feel like a "things that happened to CP3S" thread.
Not my fault no one else is posting scenarios and that they also happen to be extremely amusing to write.
But actually, only the very first scenario with the peanut butter cups and the very last one with the shampoo are inspired by actual events. The other two are entirely made up.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
^^Shave your head and get a head modeling contract.
In that order?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
Hmm...I suppose it depends on the demands of the market.
Top marks for choosing The Hotel Bingadegolanadfingo.
I stayed there last summer and the views from breakfast lounge took my breath away...that and the Legionella Pneumophila lurking in the long dead air conditioning system.
This situation points out the importance of planning ahead.
You should have learned some basic lingo skills before setting out, you should have got there early, learned the location of the nearest subway or bus route and walked there, taking in the local points of interest (like the incongruous abandoned baroque dining chair resting in the long vandalised telephone booth, which coupled with the kiosks smashed safety glass frosting creates the impression of a street level shower cubicle for the infirm and unabashed).
You see, that's just five minutes away from the hotel and it's been there since King Louis was still on the throne so next time keep em peeled ye ken?
So you haven't got a girl in the taxi?
You just made another mistake.
Always travel with a woman (it doesn't matter if you know them just get them into the taxi with you).
If she's young and a bit of a looker the driver won't mess you around he will be too busy flirting the drawers off her and trying and get her number.
If she's old she will remind him of his mother and all taxi drivers love their mothers otherwise they'd be driving lorries for a living.
So the guy is taking you for a ride, an expensive ride and he has no intension of getting you to your destination on time so remember you have NOTHING FURTHER TO LOSE.
The two words you need to look up in that phrase book are bomb and car-seat.
Don't say them too loud just make random word sounding noises and drop them into the general mix.
If the traffic noise seems to be drowning it out slowly raise your voice and if that doesn't work pretend to start vomiting.
You will be out of that cab in a jiffy.
When he asks for payment give him half what you initially expected to pay and shrug before pulling a vomit face again while leaning near his car window.
Look around you.
Try and find a priest, a nun, anyone in ecclesiastical gear (most of them speak English and if you ask them for the nearest church to your hotel they will gladly point you in the right direction).
If it's a tourist town check out the tourist information centres they are usually manned by people bored out of their skull and will know the bus routes off by heart and will be glad to help you just to add a splash of colour into their dull uneventful lives.
Last, last resort look for a prostitute (it only matters what they look like if you have given up on getting the meeting on time and intend to take them up on their day job) they know all the hotels and will be a damn sight cheaper than the taxi driver.
You are at the hotel but you are late you have a prostitute a vicar and/or a nun in tow (maybe all of the above).
Try and turn these into guest speakers (you were late because they were delayed and they are important people with something to say) from then on in you will be known as the vicar and tarts guy.
Your entrance will be memorable, your connections invaluable and you'll make a lot of money for the refuge for fallen women (assuming that's a female prostitute you have with you).
Everyone wins.
The hair things a doddle.
Put on a leather jacket and some shades (everyone will think you having a midlife crisis and your boss will assume it's time he gave you a raise).
Soon the state your hair's in will become the next big thing for leather jacket wearing professionals and you will be remembered as the guy who was ahead of the curve.
Do as a cat would do.
When total SNAFU occurs pretend you intended to do it all along.
Confidence confuses people, they will assume that you are onto something and cut you more slack than you will know what to do with.
C3PX said:
You wake up in the morning and hop in the shower. You reach for the shampoo bottle and... it is empty. Crap! Oh well, you'll just use some of your wife's shampoo, you won't be getting close enough to anyone for them to catch onto the fact that your head smells like lilacs.
You lather up and rinse, but realize your hair now feels very thick and clumpy. Like you hadn't washed it in weeks. Weird. Oh well, second time ought to take care of it. You squirt another glob of shampoo on your hand, and lather up a second time. Your hair feels even thicker and clumpier now. What the heck?! You rinse and rinse and rinse, but the clumpiness only gets worse. You toss conditioner in there in hopes it will help, but no, matters only get worse. You decide desperate times call for desperate measures and glob some body wash into your hair in hopes that will fix the problem, but your hair still feels like it has been coated with wax. You get out, dry off, and look in the mirror. All looks well, only your hair has such a thick invisible layer of God-knows-what on it that you can mold it like plasticine. It also feels extremely funky. What the heck?! What do you do?
TODAY IS THE PERFECT DAY TO WEAR A HAT. OH, AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT YOU MAY NEED TO GET YOUR HAIR CUT. DON'T GO TO YE OLE BARBERSHOP TO CUT YOUR MOP. YOU'LL GET LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN. INSTEAD, MAKING SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH YOUR SEXUALITY, GO DOWN TO THE SALON. THEY CUT MEN'S HAIR THERE, TOO. THEY'LL WASH YOUR HAIR WHICH WILL COST YOU A FEW BUCKS MORE (THOUGH SOME INCLUDE IT IN THE PRICE OF THE HAIRCUT). THEY'LL CUT/STYLE YOUR HAIR JUST THE WAY YOU WANT IT. WHEN THE STYLIST IS ALL FINISHED DON'T FORGET TO TIP HIM/HER. NOW YOU'RE READY TO FACE THE WORLD. YOU GO, METROSEXUAL MAN!
;-P
"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
Wow, the seldom seen winky tongue.
;P
Ah, so worth the short time it took to write the taxi cab scenario just to read Bingo's response to it.
I loved this line,
"All taxi drivers love their mothers, otherwise they'd be driving lorries for a living."
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
TV's Frink said:
Wow, the seldom seen winky tongue.
;P
>:-(
"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
£):-$
Boris Karloff.
Q:-)
DAVEY CROCKETT
"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
C3PX said:
Ah, so worth the short time it took to write the taxi cab scenario just to read Bingo's response to it.
I loved this line,
"All taxi drivers love their mothers, otherwise they'd be driving lorries for a living."
C3PX was kind enough to correct my typo here (which I've corrected in my original post)
The original version read,
"All taxi drivers love their mother's..."
which I wavered over correcting as it was potentially and quite accidentally a much funnier line.
I've been finding I've been making a lot of typographical and grammatical errors recently (maybe it's just the advance of years).
Can any of you provide top tips (other than just READ THE BLOODY THING BEFORE POSTING) for lowering the instances of this happening?
Firefox (and other browsers?) will underline words that are misspelled. Obviously doesn't help for grammatical errors rather than misspellings.
I'm currently typing this in Opera which has the same function but unfortunately it's based on American English and flags up colour, colourised and all manner of other 'differently correct' spellings.
The one that has been getting much more noticeable as I get older is using 'their' when I mean 'there' or vice versa.
I do read things over and over before posting but somehow I just keep missing it and I used to be such a good little boy about it when I was eight years old but then I had a stern looking teacher with flexible ruler to worry about.