Ok, here are my thoughts -

- remove Anakin answering "No" and then Palpatine saying "I thought not". If Anakin doesn't say anything, we can only guess that maybe he has read or heard something about that legend and that he is keen to know more about it.

- remove Anakin's "He could actually... save people from death?" and also Palpatine's "Darkside is a path to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural." It is unnecessary for Anakin to ask this, because Palpatine already said it and then later he mentions it again, "How ironic... he could save others from death...". 3 times is just too much and a bit stupid.

And also, the thing is, Hayden is a good actor. George just wrote an awful dialog for him. Take a look at this scene, for example, Hayden's acting is good - you can see that there are some dark thoughts running through Anakin's head, but that whole imagine gets destroyed when he asks those stupid questions. If you remove couple of Anakin's lines, then he becomes more dark, mysterious and interesting.

The dialog then would look something like this -

P: "You ever hear a tragedy of Darth P. The Wise?... It's a sith legend. Darth P. had such a knowlage of the Dark Side he could even keep the ones he cared about... from dying."

A: "What happened to him?" (definitely keep this line)*

P: "He became so powerful..."

And then the rest of the scene plays out just like you edited.

*A cool thing about Anakin's, "What happened to him?", is that it's the 1st line Anakin says and it shows us that he can't sit there quiet anymore and that he's very interested in learning this power, but, at the same time, he is concerned about consequences.

English isn't my 1st language - I'm sorry for spelling mistakes. These were just my 2 cents. I hope this helps.