Time for TV's Frink to play the game show sensation that's been sweeping the nation - WHICH COMMISSIONER ARE YOU?

You are generally clueless in most aspects of life. You've got the inhale-exhale-eat-crap-sleep thing down pretty good, but otherwise you're a giant sack of overmatched. Shortstops are hitting 30 HR's a year and Roger Maris' 36-year old record is shoved down a ten-story stairwell, but to you this is easily attributable to smaller ballparks and lighter bats. The All-Star Game ends in a tie one year and some people complain about it out of all proportion, so in a classic overreaction to an overreaction, you assign home-field advantage in the World Series to the winner of an exhibition game. You added a cable/satellite network long after the NFL and NBA did, but this is par for the course as your sport is consistently well behind the curve in relation to any American pro sports league. In summary, you're a joke, and not a very good one.

Machiavelli has absolutely nothing on you. You could con a con man into buying back the truckload of snow he sold to an Eskimo and leave the con man thinking he suckered you. If you could turn a league full of apathetic drug abusers into America's most beloved and iconic athletes, there's just nothing you can't do. The chances are good that you've been dead for several years, but you've convinced your vital organs otherwise. A referee in your sport admitting to fixing influencing games, and the fallout lasted about as long as the average halftime show. You admitted, albeit jokingly, that a dream Finals matchup would be Lakers versus Lakers and nobody thought it was an inappropriate comment implying something. (Does anyone think Bud Selig could make the same joke involving Yankees versus Yankees without invoking a Congressional subpeona? Me neither) You're great TV, though, because every interview is rife with tension between your "keep it light" one-liners and the interviewer's "this guy's up to something"-toned questions.

Let's get one thing perfectly straight - your players will conduct themselves as professionals. There is no such thing as "or else". When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem resembles a nail - and your particular hammer is the Fine & Suspend Deluxe model: Now with 20% more punishment! When Steve McNair was slain by his girlfriend, you prayed that his eternal soul would recieve a nine-month suspension in purgatory. In fact, I owe the NFL $5,000 for writing this.