I need some feedback on the opening crawl for the "canon cut" of Redemption. I think I'm close to what I want, but I need some fresh eyes to look at it.

Episode I
THE PHANTOM MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the
Galactic Republic. The greedy
Trade Federation is amassing
weapons of war.

Hoping to deter sanctions and
fines against its franchise, the
Federation has entered the
peaceful Naboo system with
a blockade of deadly battleships
to demonstrate its authority.

While the Republic Senate
debates this alarming chain of
events, the Supreme Chancellor
has secretly dispatched two
agents to settle the conflict--
Jedi Knights, the ancient
guardians of peace and justice
in the galaxy....

Now, compare to the original:

Episode I
THE PHANTOM MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the
Galactic Republic. The taxation
of trade routes to outlying star
systems is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter
with a blockade of deadly
battleships, the greedy Trade
Federation has stopped all
shipping to the small planet
of Naboo.

While the Congress of the
Republic endlessly debates
this alarming chain of events,
the Supreme Chancellor has
secretly dispatched two Jedi
Knights, the guardians of
peace and justice in the
galaxy, to settle the conflict....