"You know what really makes people happy? Happiness." – the Dead Prince
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head." –Derek Johnston
"You wouldn't have won if we had beaten you." – Yogi Berra
"Most of my clichés aren't original." – Chuck Knox
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." – Mary Anne Tebedo
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." – Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." – Dwight Eisenhower
"It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or the other." – Pres. G.W.B.
"I think we can agree, the past is over." – Pres. GWB
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." – Dick Cavett
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win." – Doug Collins
"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead." – Unknown student
"Equal rights were created for everyone." – Contestant in 1990 Mr. New Jersey Male pageant
"When more and more people get thrown out of work, unemployment results." – Calvin Coolidge
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games." – David Garcia, baseball team manager
"The internet is a great way to get on the net." -Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"Watch the time – it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." – Ron Pickering
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." – Dan Quayle
"If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure." – Dan Quayle
"For most people, death comes at the end of their lives." – Radio broadcaster, UK
"[Osama bin Laden] is either alive and well, or alive and not well, or not alive." – Donald Rumsfeld
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." – Brooke Shields
"The thing that's kept Jeff around is his longevity." – Don Smith
"I feel my best when I’m happy." – Winona Ryder
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." – Pres. G.W.B.
"Who he kills, dies." – Jeffrey Archer on Saddam Hussein
"At the finish, it was all over" – Jim Watt
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." – Fran Lebowitz, US writer
"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country." – Ian Rush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." – Dan Quayle
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." – Dan Quayle
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." – Greg Norman, Golfer
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." – President Gerald Ford
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." – Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"Hawaii is an island surrounded by water" – Dan Quayle
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." – George W. Bush
"I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." – George W. Bush
"Do not use in shower." - On a hair dryer.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." – On a pair of shin guards for bicyclists
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." – On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard
"May irritate eyes." – On a can of self-defense pepper spray
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." – On a portable stroller
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." – On a bottle of sleeping pills
Do Not Place Hand In Fan While Fan Is Running – Warning label on central air conditioning unit
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly – Instructions on a Batman costume
Warning: contains nuts – On packet of peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. – American Airlines packet of nuts.
Caution: Water on road during rain. – Street sign
Replacing battery: Replace the old battery with a new one. – From directions from a mosquito repellant
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. – Instructions on a Batman costume
Do Not Place Hand In Fan While Fan Is Running. – Warning label on central air conditioning unit
Danger! Keep out of children! – Warning label on a knife.
"So you were gone until you returned?" – Lawyer
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?" – Attorney
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" – Attorney
Attorney: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "What were you and your husband doing at that time?"
Attorney: "...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while – Newspaper headline
Minors refuse to work after death – First page headline
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say – Boston Herald
War dims hope for peace – Newspaper headline
Cold wave linked to temperatures – Newspaper headline
Hazards are one of the main causes of accidents – an OSHA booklet
this last one sounds a bit like blasphemy to me
