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FIXED UNIVERSE: The Expanded Universe fan-editing - THE WHOLE THRAWN TRILOGY IS NOW AVAILABLE — Page 4

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 (Edited)

UPDATE:

thanks to the suggestion provided by ChainsawAsh it’s online a new version of Heir to the Empire.

And, too, it’s finally available also The Last Command, completing the Fixed Edition of the Thrawn Trilogy.

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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Alright, here's my HTTE suggestions, part deux (from page 38 until I have to stop once more, or the end of the book, whichever comes first).  This is based on the new HTTE that Darknikos just posted, so I'm going to skim through pages 1-38 first to see if I notice anything else.  Barring that, here we go:

- While you fixed the lightsaber at the bottom of page 34, it now goes outside the panel's frame.
- Page 38 - while I like the Kamino reference, if you could make the speech bubble for it come out of the "Use team four next" speech bubble (the same way "I promised you Jedi ... " and "What's the report from Wayland" bubbles at the top of the page are attached), it would make the panel read more smoothly and seem less cluttered.
- Page 39 - "Interesting.  Continue, Captain!" sounds strange and unnecessary.  I'd replace it with "Rumors?  What good would rumors do us?"  It's a bit more, which will make such a large speech bubble feel more appropriate, and it makes Thrawn seem like less of an idiot at the same time.
- Page 44 - I'd make the laser blasts from the training remote yellow to match ANH (I think they were yellow).  As it is, they look a little strange being the same color as Luke's lightsaber.
- Page 47 - Get rid of the radar dish on the YT-1300 that's impersonating the Falcon.  That was a custom modification Han added, as evidenced by YT-1300's in the background in AOTC/ROTS that don't have the radar dishes.  Unless you think it likely that they would have rigged it up to make it look more like the Falcon.
Page 49 - "This is where I fought my nightmare battle with Darth Vader" - is that bit of exposition really necessary?  I mean, it's not obvious where he's at?  Same with "I'm back on Jabba the HUtt's skiff ..." which is actually even worse than the first one!
- Sidenote about page 72: Is Leia naked in the top-left panel?!  I clearly didn't pay enough attention to this comic when I first read it ...
- Page 72-73: Thanks for restoring much of Ralrra's lines from the novel.
- Page 80 - great job removing yslamiri references here.  However, bottom-middle panel, Karrde's line reads "...And don't think about running.  I guess you'll find Mara... a great opponent... for a Jedi."  followed by Luke's "..." - Karrde's should be "...And don't think about trying to escape.  I think you'll find Mara a ... worthy ... opponent."  I don't think "For a Jedi" is needed.  Further, I suggest Luke's "..." - while not bad in itself - should be replaced with "Or ... " to make it seem like he counter-offers Karrde a lot more quickly than he now does, making him a bit stronger.  Then, I'd remove "always" from Luke's next line (so it would now read, "You could return Artoo and me to where you found us."
- Page 87 - "Blast! She has destroyed the commands!" on the bottom-right should say "Damn!  She blasted the controls!" (I changed "Blast!" to "Damn!" because saying blast again one word later would sound very awkward, and "damn" has been used in "Star Wars" before, this book included)
- Page 91 - Karrde: "What I do find compelling is that they're our guests.  That means they're under our protection."  - this would flow a bit better this way: "But they're our guests, which means they're under our protection."  I would also change Mara's "I don't agree, but I accept your decision" with a simple "I understand" - it makes her seem smarter and it reads less clunky.  I also don't think "And move Skywalker's lightsaber" is necessary - a good replacement would be "Good.  See to it."
- Page 92 - Top-left panel: change Luke's "we will" to the contraction "we'll" (flows better).  Next panel: change Luke's line to "I feel no presence within Mara ... maybe Karrde is wrong about her ... ".  Then, the text block: "It would take more than a blasted control panel to hold a Jedi captive!  Reaching out with the Force, Luke finds a switch ... "  then the next text block: " ... and the door swings wide open!"  I'd also change Luke's "Freeze" to "Wait."
- Page 93 - Luke's line in the second panel on the right should have a question mark after "Gone."  I'd also change "If the Force will be with us" to "If the Force is with us."
- Page 94 - Luke's first line needs to be changed to make him sound like less of Basil Exposition-like character ("Let me bring you up to speed ... ") - I'd change the line to "I see it, Artoo!  It's one of Karrde's ships.  And there's a Star Destroyer in orbit above us ... "  To make that seem a little better, I'd add an Artoo speech bubble to the panel immediately to the left of Luke's strange face, coming out of the more distant ship, saying something simple like "Bleep!"  so Luke has something to respond to in the next panel.
- Page 100 - Luke says "You needed to find out what Karrde told the Imperials." should be "You need to find out ... "
- Page 101 - Karrde's line in the third panel should read "I'm not working for the Empire.  I've just helped them acquire some Jedi artifacts."
- Page 102 - Karrde's line in the fifth panel should read "Ghent knows everything except how to keep his mouth shut."
- Page 110 - Is there anything else you can do with the ligthsaber's arc in the last panel?  As it is, it looks a little awkward.
- Page 111 - If you can fit in a reference where Khabarakh mentions his species' name (Noghri), then Leia's thought bubble on the next page would make much more sense.  Perhaps if he says "I am called Khabarakh of the Noghri.  Your father....."
- Page 118 - Luke's line in the fourth panel should read "And if another Vornskr finds us before the Imperials?  You'll never be able to load it fast enough."
- Page 124 - "It's not an adequate guarantee, for me." would work better as "That's not good enough for me."
- Page 128 - Karrde's line, bottom-left, sounds clunky - my suggestion: "A loan, perhaps?  A stripped down Mon Calamari star cruiser at least?"

And that's all my suggestions for "Heir to the Empire."  I'll start on "Dark Force Rising" in the next couple of days and make a similar list for that.  Great job, by the way - I didn't think it would work without the ysalamiri, but you've certainly proven me wrong.

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ChainsawAsh said:

Great job, by the way - I didn’t think it would work without the ysalamiri, but you’ve certainly proven me wrong.

Thanks! And the next will be Dark Empire without cloned emperor!! 😄

Anyway, I’ve done the correction you’ve suggested. some things about them:

page 34: yes, i’ve returned it like it was in the original version.
page 47: yes, i’ve always thought the radar was put in the corellian ship to better look like the falcon…
page 49: you’re right… even if these were so in the original version!
page 72/73: yes, it really seems leia is naked or at least partially. and about ralrra lines… it’s always seemed to me that without it there was something missing.

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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A bit later than I hoped, but here's my "Dark Force Rising" list, part one:

- Title Page: The "R" in "rising" needs to be capitalized, as it's a title (same on the next page)
- Same "Five years after the Battle of Endor" thing as in HTTE on the next page
- Opening crawl: The last paragraph feels clunky.  My suggestion:

Betrayed by smuggler Talon Karrde
and defeated at Sluis Van, GRAND
ADMIRAL THRAWN waits patiently
at the planet Myrkr for Karrde to
make his last mistake.... (<again, four periods instead of three)

- Page 9: "Continue the research!" should be "Continue the search!"
- Page 21: The text box translating the computer's Aurebesh has very small writing.  I don't know what can be done about this, really, but as it is it really sucks to try and read.
- Page 33: If Thrawn will be delivering this message to C'Baoth personally, why does he say "Tell Master C'Baoth?"  Change it to "I've decided to give the Noghri one last chance.  I'll personally deliver C'Baoth that message."  Later, Thrawn says "Keep the pressure up" - this feels a little awkward.  I say change it to "Keep pressing him."
- Page 34: I think this was in the original, but either way it's an incredibly stupid non sequiter: "You see that moon, my dears?  That's Endor - where the Rebel Alliance triumphed over the Empire - and the New Republic began."  First, Endor was the gas planet, they were on its forest moon.  Second, the line just feels ... unnecessary.  Who the hell is she talking to, anyway?  Like Chewie and Threepio weren't on Endor's moon?  If it's really necessary to establish this, put a text box in the first panel saying "Endor - the forest moon," or something.  But I don't even think that's necessary.

I stopped on page 42 for today.  This comic is set up and organized extremely poorly, making it a bit of a chore to read, and the adaptation is choppy to say the least.  Neither of those things are even remotely your fault - the blame for that lies on Mike Baron, Terry Dodson, Bob Cooper and David Land.

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...sorry for the delay, these are very busy days!

Anyway... I've done all the changes you suggest, except for:

Page 33: you suggest to change Thrawn's line to "I've decided to give the Noghri one last chance.  I'll personally deliver C'Baoth that message." but in the original Thrawn didn't say that he will be delivering the message to C'baoth personally, but to the Noghri.
So he say to tell C'baoth that he allow the noghri one last chance, and he'll be taking the message to the noghri personally.
Are you agree or I've missed something?

Page 34 (yes, it was in the original): So, right, they were on the forest moon of Endor, not on the planet. And, now that I think about it, if we want to be rigorous, on that moon isn't begin the New Republic... but the Alliance of Free Planets, like we can see on the Marvel comic books.
Anyway, I've always thought that she's speaking to her yet to born children... maybe we can make this more clear.
So, I'm now thinking that the line can be changed in something like:
"You see that, my dear children? That's the forest moon of Endor, where the Rebel Alliance triumphed over the Empire."
What do you think about it?

ChainsawAsh said:

This comic is set up and organized extremely poorly, making it a bit of a chore to read, and the adaptation is choppy to say the least.  Neither of those things are even remotely your fault - the blame for that lies on Mike Baron, Terry Dodson, Bob Cooper and David Land.

The book should be... "rearranged". I'm doing something similar with Dark Empire (I'll post something after the Thrawn trilogy will be definitely OK) rearranging pages and illustrations from both of three chapter of the trilogy, in a new story.
But in this case I think we haven't enough material to do it...

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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Darknikos said:

Page 33: you suggest to change Thrawn's line to "I've decided to give the Noghri one last chance.  I'll personally deliver C'Baoth that message." but in the original Thrawn didn't say that he will be delivering the message to C'baoth personally, but to the Noghri.
So he say to tell C'baoth that he allow the noghri one last chance, and he'll be taking the message to the noghri personally.
Are you agree or I've missed something?

 

You're absolutely right, I completely misread the line in the book.  That was my mistake.  He wants Pallaeon to deliver the message to C'Baoth, but he'll be talking to the Nogrhi personally.  I misread the "them" as "him."

Darknikos said:

Page 34 (yes, it was in the original): So, right, they were on the forest moon of Endor, not on the planet. And, now that I think about it, if we want to be rigorous, on that moon isn't begin the New Republic... but the Alliance of Free Planets, like we can see on the Marvel comic books.
Anyway, I've always thought that she's speaking to her yet to born children... maybe we can make this more clear.
So, I'm now thinking that the line can be changed in something like:
"You see that, my dear children? That's the forest moon of Endor, where the Rebel Alliance triumphed over the Empire."
What do you think about it?

"Dear children" sounds a little odd, but I can't think of anything better.  And I'd change "triumphed over the Empire," to "won the war against the Empire."  "Triumphed" sounds a little strange dialogue-wise.  But yeah, that doees improve the line substantially.

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Darknikos, I believe in page 79 of HTTE, the name of Karrde's Vornskyr should be Sturm, not Strum.  Sturm and Drang is one of Zahn's many references to Earth culture, as it was a movement in German art and literature in the late 1700s.  

Also, I believe that the scene where Luke takes his lightsaber back worked better without the one-panel saber crossing.  Your edit makes their confrontation less psychological and more physical, and while it might have worked if you had more material of the two of them dueling to work with, it just feels kind of silly as it is to me.  Just my opinion, of course.

You did make the first story work without the ysalimiri, and though I liked them for the implications they have in the third book in conjunction with cloning, I like HTTE without them as well.

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The cloning/ysalamiri explanation is still left on page 110 of TLC.

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@ Ripplin: don't worry... no "gingerly" in this edit! :P

@ guitarfan01: you're right about Sturm. The error was in the original and I haven't noticed it. I'll post a new version with the correction.

About the Luke Mara duel: I've tried to keep the psychological duel between them... but with the Force present Luke is not keep hostage by Mara, and in some way he have to try to recover his saber... and Mara could not be pleased! :D

But if you have some suggestion for improving it... are well accepted!

@ Xammer: my error! I'll correct it ASAP.

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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 (Edited)

Minor update for HTTE, with the correction suggested by guitarfan01 and a new change's list.

Available on the first post of the topic.

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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Darknikos, I'm going through TLC now, and there seems to be quite a few mentions of ysalimiri in there.

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Any news about this? Also: the links on page one are down.

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Shit, I forgot all about this - I still need to finish my proofreading list for DFR & TLC ... guess I slacked off there, eh?

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No worries. I'd just love to read it!

 

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just had an idea, how about after a redux of some key comics, having them reprinted to a size the same as a dvd case? the covers/spine could even match perhaps?

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I realize this thread is rather old, but I’d love to read this comic edit. I havn’t read the Thrawn trilogy for more than a decade, so this will be refreshing 😃

I hope some coloring can be done to save HTTE, everybody and everything is green in the original!

"Star Wars is supposed to be happy-go-lucky-let's-go-blow-up-a-Star-Destroyer [not like the New Jedi Order]"- Brendon C.

"Canon... includes the screenplays, the films, the radio dramas and the novelisations." -Star Wars Insider issue 23

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So is this officially dead? It looked promising.

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." – John Lennon

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Wow! what a surprise! I've believed the project to be "dead" when at some point I've seen no interest at all!

I see now that I was wrong (and sad to notice it only now). 

 

I'll be happy to resume the work! The folder "Fixed Universe" in my computer it's still there with the WIP on Dark Empire.

 

 

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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@ everyone: Thanks for the comments… and for reading this edits too!

@ ChainsawAsh: As I've said before, at some point I've believed the project to be dead, and in the last months I haven't connected to OT.com (damn!) and I see only now all the messages from april. If now you are still interested I'll happy to read the "results" for the proofreading!

@ ben_danger: for now I worked only for a computer reading… but this could be a nice idea!

Anyway: in the week end I'll reorganize the material, I'll post new working links for the thrawn trilogy and if possible some info / image on Dark Empire.
I'm glad to resume this work! And - as always - any help is appreciated even only to correct my orrible English!

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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I'll get back to the proofreading tomorrow - I just need to pick up where I left off.  I (should) still have the files on my hard drive.

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The TLC mentions of ysalamiri that were mentioned by me and others are still there...

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Darknikos said:

Wow! what a surprise! I've believed the project to be "dead" when at some point I've seen no interest at all!

I see now that I was wrong (and sad to notice it only now). 

 

I'll be happy to resume the work! The folder "Fixed Universe" in my computer it's still there with the WIP on Dark Empire.

 

 

Yay! I'm rereading the Thrawn trilogy, so this is perfect.

"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." – John Lennon

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Little update: I've fixed the ysalamiri mentions on TLC.

the link is always the same. In few hours I'll post some info and images about the editing of Dark Empire.

(...sorry for my bad english ...I'm not a native speaker)
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Dark Force Rising notes, pages 42-116.  Next up will be 117-150, probably tomorrow.  I need to eat some dinner right now, though.

- Page 43: Luke's lightsaber shouldn't leave the bottom-right panel the way it does.
- Page 70: "The infamous Order 66 ... so long ago ... " feels a bit awkward, but I can't think of any other way to put it.
- Page 71: "No, we can't.  This isn't the Jedi way!" - I'd suggest changing this to "I can't do that.  It isn't the Jedi way."
- Page 72: Due to the change of the last line, "Of course we can." should become "Of course you can."  A few panels later, Luke apparently starts speaking another language ("Non e' cosi' che si fa giustizia.  Bisogna trovare un compromesso."), which makes no sense whatsoever.  Then, C'Baoth suddenly uses Force lightning against the two men, which seems to come out of nowhere.
- Page 99: If there's any way to make the lightning on Luke's lightsaber look more like (God, I hate to say this) Obi-Wan vs. Dooku in Episode II, or Mace Windu vs. the Emperor in Episode III, that would be great.  If it's not possible, I understand completely.  I just think it would look cooler.  Oh, and it looks like, in the second panel, Luke's lightsaber should be behind the rock on the left, which means the glow should be as well.
- Page 102 - Luke's lightsaber needs to look more like it's going *through* the floor, not like it just *ends* at the floor.  Also, is the narration-text in the bottom-left panel really necessary?  It doesn't feel very 'Star Wars'-y to me for some reason ...
- Page 104 - Again, the narration in the first panel feels superfluous.
- Page 106 - Not necessary in the slightest, but I think "I'm a quick study" would work better as "I'm a fast learner."  It could go either way, though - it's a personal preference thing.
- Page 108 - This page is very awkward - American comics read from left to right, which means one would normally read the first three speech bubbles in the first panel, then what's in the left-side panel, then what's to the right of that, which is incorrect in this sense.  Perhaps flipping the top half of the page, so that Thrawn and Pallaeon are on the left-hand side and the crashed ship is on the right?  Like I said before, this comic has always been very badly organized ...
- Page 109 - Bottom-left panel, and the one right after, depict Luke with his lightsaber ignited.  There really is no reason for him to have it ignited (not to mention you haven't given it the same treatment you did on all his other 'sabers in the comic), since Mara's the one who knocks the guards out - I think it could be painted out completely, and the green glow on his hand and the hilt could be altered to make it look like he's just holding the hilt ready.
- Page 111 - Thrawn's text while giving Rukh orders is too small for the bubble.  I'd also remove "We have to block them!" and change the exclamation point in "Get a squad together and move to the hangar bays!" to a period (Thrawn is too calm of a person to yell).
- Page 112 - Luke's lightsaber is lit in the first panel (in theory, for the light it produces), but you haven't given it the same treatment you normally do.
-  Page 114 - Luke's lightsaber glow extends beyond the first panel, when it shouldn't.  It also appears to be a little crooked.  Also, the narration-box in the bottom-right panel is, again, superfluous and non-Star Wars-y.