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G.I. Joe: Worst Movie Ever Made? OR... No, Really, It's the Worst Movie Ever Made

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But then again, I never saw Transformers 2, so maybe I'm wrong.  Some old friends coerced me to go see this smoldering shitfest tonight, and I have never had a less enjoyable time at the movie theatre.  I usually have a pretty  high tolerance for crap.  I relatively enjoyed the new Wolverine movie.  When I saw Plan 9, my reaction was simply that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  This is the first time I hated a movie so much that it really made me angry to have to watch it.  The plot was incoherent, the acting was non-existant, motivations unexplained, not a single joke made me laugh, and the final battle is, I shit you not, two armies of sperm swimming at each other.  I defy anyone to watch this film and tell me those aren't sperm!

This film offended my senses so greatly that I actually jumped in front of the camera and recorded an impromptu review of it.  This is the first time I've done an unscripted review before, so I hope it turned out alright, but I just had to vent.  Expect it to be posted tomorrow or the next day hopefully.

So has anyone else seen this?  Care to share the horror?  And if you haven't seen it... don't.  No redeeming qualities whatsoever not even in a "so bad it's good" sense.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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I was positive just from seeing the TV spots that Ray Park would be the only good thing about it.  He seems to be developing that reputation. 

You don't get it, boy.  This isn't a mudhole.  It's an operating table, and I'm the surgeon.

Vader vs. Luke

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I saw the trailer for that before I love you Beth Cooper I think or maybe Harry Potter and I knew it was going to be shit. 

That's why I am waiting until District 9 =D. 

That movie looks badass. 

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I think films have been getting severely worse and worse everyday. And guess what people like them. My brother in law is one of those people who if a film doesn't have one explosion it isn't worth watching. I looked at his dvd collection and it is full of Jet Li and Jason Statham movies. What happened to good calm tranquil films. Hell even the comedy films of today have stooped to pretty low levels. I want to go out and watch a movie that makes me say.......... A good powerful film is one that will leave the audience speechless. I just feel when I watch a movie today like I have seen it before. And that is the truth. Why are there so many remakes today. I hope one day to see a movie that has an original thought. I miss seeing movies that do something familiar but takes it somewhere. I feel that movies are being made just to be made. Hell they can get the rights to old movies or books and make some quick bucks on them. Then they take classics that were perfect just absolute beauties and slap a big stamp on them so they can make a crap load of money. Well atleast the we have the classics on some form of home video. I don't know why they needed to make a G.I. Joe movie. The show sucked and the action figures were just peices of plastic. It is pretty sad that G.I. Jane was better than G.I. Joe LOL.

"The other versions will disappear. Even the 35 million tapes of Star Wars out there won’t last more than 30 or 40 years. A hundred years from now, the only version of the movie that anyone will remember will be the DVD version [of the Special Edition], and you’ll be able to project it on a 20’ by 40’ screen with perfect quality. I think it’s the director’s prerogative, not the studio’s to go back and reinvent a movie." - George Lucas

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With all due respect guys, I don't even bother seeing these movies anymore, as the summer movie these days is a joke. I had hope after The Dark Knight last year, that they were shifting back, but the summer movies these days just aren't for me anymore. Termimator Salvation, Transformers 2, Wolverine, GIJoe, all stuff that appeals to the 'action and CGI' crowd, and I am not a part of that crowd. I don't get mad anymore guys, I just rarely go to the movies from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the movies are dumbed down and all I ask for a review is, "Does it have a good story and good character development?" 99% of the summer movies over the past 10 years are answered, "NO."
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Yeah, I mostly skip those too, which is probably why I had such a strong reaction to this.  I only saw Wolverine and this film because friends took me along.  Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.  Neither would have interested me at all.  But I had absolutely no interest in Terminator Salvation or Transformers 2.  I probably wouldn't have even seen Star Trek if I wasn't a huge Trekkie already.  But I don't know.  I do know all the staples of these brainless summer action flicks, and this one still took me by surprise by how horrible it was, so maybe it really is, like I said, the worst movie ever made.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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I bet it isn't THE worst movie ever made.

Is it worse than say...Street Fighter The Movie?

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CO said:With all due respect guys, I don't even bother seeing these movies anymore, as the summer movie these days is a joke. 
Termimator Salvation, Transformers 2, Wolverine, GIJoe, all stuff that appeals to the 'action and CGI' crowd, and I am not a part of that crowd. 

That's where I am on the whole summer blockbuster thing these days as well.  In fact, it's where I've been for a long long time.  Seems like maybe Matrix might have started the visuals-over-story trend, or at least that seems to be where it really became the go-to.

Once studios realized they could create films without sets, locations, and often times without a need for more than a few cast members (yes, George - I'm speaking of the prequels also), they were all over it.  Once they realized they could make millions in revenue off of these two-hour advertisements for the software that created them - they sold their souls.

I haven't seen any of the movies CO mentioned, but I've seen plenty of trailers and clips.  All the CGI-fests seem to have the two requisite shots;

1. Something huge moves through the air (with little regard for actual physics) and someone narrowly avoids being crushed by it - often times as they use it as a stepping stone while it's in motion - again, with little or no regard for physics.

2. The gold standard - real time to sudden slow motion, then back to real time shot. Thank you Matrix.

I really thought that second one would have become passe by now, but I see it's alive and well - and even makes an appearance in the trailer for the new Tron film.

I only go the movies maybe three times a year, so you guys have more knowledge of current films than I do. I may be off on my observations. They're just what it seems like to someone whose only real exposure is trailers.

 

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Anchorhead said:

2. The gold standard - real time to sudden slow motion, then back to real time shot. Thank you Matrix.

I really thought that second one would have become passe by now, but I see it's alive and well - and even makes an appearance in the trailer for the new Tron film.

Yeah, it's in G.I. Joe too.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Anchorhead said:

Once studios realized they could create films without sets, locations, and often times without a need for more than a few cast members (yes, George - I'm speaking of the prequels also), they were all over it.  Once they realized they could make millions in revenue off of these two-hour advertisements for the software that created them - they sold their souls.

I can pinpoint 2 movies to the change in the summer blockbuster.  The first was Jurassic Park, because it open the door to CGI.  Now I love Jurassic Park, because it does have a cool story, essentially a moral tale that you shouldn't fuck with nature, and humans always get greedy in the end.  After JP, EVERY director started looking into this CGI as a tool.

The final nail in the summer blockbuster was Independence Day.  The movies was a smash hit, was the #1 movie all summer, audiences flocked to it.  It is the stupidest, souless, CGI fest I have ever seen. The characters are lame, and what sold people was the image of the White House blowing up. 

Before CGI, the director HAD to have cool characters, had to have a cool story, had to have drama, humor, because the effects could not be sold to the 'idiot' crowd that populates the summer movie today.

Look at the Top Summer Movies from the '80s:

1981- Raiders of the Lost Ark

1982- ET

1983- Return of the Jedi

1984- Ghostbusters

1985- Back to the Future

1986- Aliens

Can anyone put Transformers, GI Joe,  or Terminator Salvation up against them?  Raiders had an iconic character in Indiana Jones, ET's ending has more soul then any summer blockbuster today.  Back to the Future had a cool story of someone going back in time and his mom falls in love with him!  Ghostbusters even had memorable characters that are beloved today.  None of the summer movies today will stand the test of time, because they are all about CGI, action, CGI, explosions, and CGI.  And sadly that is why I have seen one summer movie in the past 4 summers:  The Dark Knight.

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I'll be looking forward to seeing your review video Gaff.

I feel really sorry for you having had to see this. Just the trailer alone offended my senses to such a degree I shudder a little inside every time I hear the words, G.I. Joe. Which is sad, because when I was a kid I always thought they were some of the greatest toys every made. I mean, they are fully poseable! They have joints at the shoulders and hips as well as the elbows and knees! Brilliance in the form of a toy. Another fine name sullied by Hollywood's over active rectum.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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Since Transformers 2 has been reviewed as the worst film of the summer and quite possibly worst film ever made according to the critics, i wonder how a Wayans brother Gi Joe film gets trashed by them.

A GI Joe film could have been cool, if it was not so pathetically handled, excelorator suits wtf?

Bad one liners.  Everything you would expect from a Michael Bay film except it was not directed by him or written by  Orci as far as i know.

 

We all know anything you liked as a kid or teenager is no longer sacred, hollywood has destroyed probably everything i ever liked or will destroy anything thats left.  But they will make money and that is the whole point.  They are legally required and beholden to their stock and shareholders to make money.  Fandom is useless unless it nets a profit.

Nobody cares about a film that is critically acclaimed but makes ten cents and is not marketable to the lowest common denominator of the clueless and illeterate american audience.  Dark Knight might be an exeption to the rules because the movie is smarter than a comic book movie usually is.  But even that film uses the concept of mayhem to entertain the masses.

You know hollywood has really sunk so low when the best film of 2009 is JJ Abrams Brianless action flick star trek.  This film is stands above the others such as wolverine, transformers 2, T4 etc.  At least according to the critics who i stopped listening to years ago.  The Same Critics who said Revenge of the Sith and Crystal Skull were good movies.  I shudder to think Where the standards for what makes a good film these days lies.

“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.

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C3PX said:

I'll be looking forward to seeing your review video Gaff.

Heh, I'll be looking forward to seeing it too.  Should have already been up, but I've been thwarted once again by obscure, random technical glitches that seem to happen to me in every video I make.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Apparently, GI Joe is making dozens of leaf bags full of serious cake.

Thanks, General Public!

Want to book yourself or a guest on THE VFP Show? PM me!

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Yeah, I'm really ashamed that I helped contribute to those leaf bags.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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 (Edited)

I haven't seen GI Joe, but I doubt it's the worst movie ever made. That title probably has to go to something made by Jennifer Lynch (Boxing Helena, anybody? -A guy fancies a woman and she rejects him so he chops her limbs off and keeps her prisoner and eventually she returns his affections. And Surveillance was sick too.) You could also try watching Zardoz. And I'd be surprised if GI Joe was worse than AOTC and ROTS.

And I wish people would stop railing about blockbusters and summer movies. Sure there's plenty stupid ones, but they're not all bad, while there's a shitload of awful movies that aren't blockbusters/summer movies, often worse than them. It's sort of a tired cliche to rail about blockbusters in general. And no, films have not been getting worse and worse over the years. There's been plenty good films in recent years and there were plenty horrible films way back. The problem is that once something is designated a classic people don't question that status enough. Too many "classics" are just crap. While some of the films that are self-satisfiedly passed off as bad nowadays aren't so bad or are even good, sometimes very good.

Not that GI Joe is likely to be much good, but it doesn't have Hayden playing a great hero and powerful dark lord and it doesn't have latter-day Lucas romance or jackrabbit Yoda and I doubt it's especially sick or twisted like some movies out there. 

There's been some very interesting films out there in recent times if you just look around, not just in films done way back. Over the past decade we've had Fight Club, Wonderland http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0335563/ , Bronson and Pan's Labyrinth. Those are just a few examples.

 

 

 

 

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I may have asked this before, but why do people like "Fight Club" so much? I watched it for the first time fairly recently and I thought it was some of the most pretentious tripe I've ever seen (middle-class white boy angst taken to the extreme, really).

http://i.imgur.com/7N84TM8.jpg

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I actually VERY MUCH enjoyed GI Joe AND Transformers 2.

Terminator Salvation, on the other hand, was an absolute shitfest.

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Worst movie ever made? Hmmmmm....I can't believe it's this, though this really sucked cheese. Phantom Menace??

Won't catch me denying that quality films, in general, are a dying breed. However, I thought District 9 and Inglorious Basterds were highlights of this summer. I did think the violence in I.B. was a little over the top (and yes, I understand that was the point).

Nemo me impune lacessit

http://ttrim.blogspot.com
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Nanner Split said:

I may have asked this before, but why do people like "Fight Club" so much? I watched it for the first time fairly recently and I thought it was some of the most pretentious tripe I've ever seen (middle-class white boy angst taken to the extreme, really).

I agree, NS.  I saw it a few years after it was released and its cult status is completely lost on me.

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Middle-class white boy angst sounds like a great way to put it. I get the impression some people like it simply because it is cool to like it and because of the whole anarchist theme. I actually really liked Fight Club, for some reason it just clicked with me. Things like finding non-conventional ways to supporting yourself and living in an old abandoned house are the sorts of things I have dreamed about doing myself since I was like 14. I also have a great deal of respect for that film in how closely it follows the novel it was based on.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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Fight Club was a brilliant movie for a whole load of reasons. It was one the most daring and intense movies out there. It was carefully designed to shake you up and surprise and disturb you and it did that well. There was one kick-in-the-guts scene after another. Films are rarely as distinctive or as unique as Fight Club. Or as vigorous.

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One reason why I like Fight Club: Ed Norton. I'd watch him in anything.

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Star Wars Visual Comparisons WordPress

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You guys do know that big budget hollywood films aren't the only thing out there...right? I just saw Moon at a local independent cinema and it was a fantastic science fiction film. If we're talking Hollywood Inglorious Basterds was also great and I haven't seen District 9 yet but I'm looking forward to seeing it. And if your'e not looking for a popcorn movie there are tons of independent and quasi-independent dramas and documentaries with engaging stories and characters more based in the real world, you know, those Oscar movies that nobody watches?.

Honestly guys it was movies like Star Wars that started the trend of the "shallow hollywood blockbuster". Star Wars was really the catalyst that shifted sci-fi from "Thinking man's sci-fi" such as 2001: A Space Odyssey to "fantasy/action/western set among futuristic backdrops."

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I'm still laughing over the excellerator suits in GI Joe, and robot heaven in transformers 2.  Utter stupidity.  LOL!

“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.