Dear Sean,

First off, Sean, ah, forgive me I am quite ignorant when it comes to internetlish. I have very strong personal feelings about the abridgment of books; so you can only imagine how I feel about the abridgment of words. I had no idea that "nvm" meant "never mind" until I looked it up just now. I am slowly learning interweb newspeak, be patient with me. In time I will learn to communicate effectively in this dumbed down bastardization of the English language.

Sincerely,

hot.like.C3PX

Dear Gaffertape,

Until further notice I am refusing to offer you advice. Because quite frankly I am insanely jealous that you got a sex-having invitation in your PMs from someone claiming to be a gorgeous woman and all I got was an awkward proposition from someone claiming to be Biff Tannen.

Sincerely,

hot.like.C3PX

P.S. I am a big ice tea fan myself. I usually refrain from water with lemon at restaurants, because I always imagine the outside of the lemons being covered in bacteria from all the hands they pass through before being inadequately rinsed and plopped in my drink.

Dear Bkev,

Would you kindly fuck off? [Pardon my French] This is hot.like.C3PX's advice column last time I checked. Let me check again... yes, it seem it is still hot.like.C3PX's advice column. Are you C3PX? Wait, don't tell me! I'll look into the matter myself... Oh, I just did some research, and it appears that you are not C3PX! You are in fact Bkev. I find it rather odd a fellow named Bkev should be offering advice in my advice column. If this continues, my lawyers will be in touch.

With love and respect,

hot.like.C3PX