RoccondilRinon said:Two major comments. I like the style you're going for, but there are two things I have to say.
1. The font you use in your logo. Arial? Kill it. Anywhere you can use Arial, Helvetica does a better job. If you don't have it, I do.
2. The wording of the opening slides needs work; it reads quite clumsily. If you like, I can give them a slight rewrite to show you what I mean.
The font is not Arial. It's Star Jedi. Unless you mean for "A-Man Productions". That's Zekton. I'm keeping those fonts, I like them and think they fit the new tone I'm aiming for.
ChainsawAsh said:It looks really good, however the text you use feels like long, run-on sentences. It just needs some commas:
Turmoil had engulfed the Galactic Senate, with several star systems having declared their intentions to leave the Republic through a separatist movement led by the mysterious Count Dooku.
Senator Amidala returned to the Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating a Grand Army for the Republic to assist the overwhelmed Jedi, who were meant to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.[EDIT: It seems I've been beaten to the above note - but I'll keep this here anyway]
I also noticed that your text said "lead by the mysterious Count Dooku," when it should be "led."
And if I'd never seen a Star Wars movie, I'd have no idea who the hell Senator Amidala was - is there a way you could add something of a brief explanation, such as "Senator Amidala, former Queen of the peaceful planet of Naboo, returned..."
Other than that, it's good. I love the music, and really like the look of the text. A nice break from the standard opening crawl.
I am iffy on the logo, however - I don't like how the "T" and "A" connect. I'd suggest using one of the 70s logos:
It's different, but still recognizably Star Wars.
If people wanna give a go at the opening titles, it's on the first page. I didn't realize the A and the T were connected, I can fix that. I want to keep the original Star Wars logo guys. And I think Senator Amidala is fine. Remember that the Prologue will be included for those who don't know anything about Star Wars. Plus not knowing who a character is in the first 10 seconds is no big deal. Remember that not all films are like Star Wars where you know everything when the film starts. I think the Queen bit is really unecessary.
Ripplin said:Lookin' good so far, A-M. And it's neat to hear music that was never in Star Wars in Star Wars. :) I sort of agree about the opening text; not so much what it says, but it has that sort of run-on sentence feel, y'know? At any rate, keep it up!
Thanks Ripplin, again if anyone would like to submit other opening titles, please do so. The writing is all in the first post. It's the first four sentences in Italic.