Don't worry! I don't think you are nitpicking me, instead I'm very pleased to see interest in this project!
So... date panel, yes, I've correct as you say.
Opening crawl: about "Episode VII" I think it's better avoid to put it... there are many stories in EU and it's impossible to count them all with a progressive number...
for the rest i've done the corrections you say, except for two things: (I switch to the EU nerd mode :D )
newly-united galaxy: in fact the galaxy is no more united since the battle of endor. It is now divided in a huge republic space and little imperial space. And the situation continue to be that even in NJO and LEgacy eras.
Jedi Master Luke Skywalker: we don't see Luke called Jedi Master yet, at this point. And he is at his first training as a teacher, yet unfinished.
So, I'm to change the crawl in this way:
It is a challenging time for the Galaxy. The NEW REPUBLIC has driven the remnants of the Galactic Empire deep into the far corners of space.
Leia Organa Solo, pregnant with twins, is in training to become the first in a new line of JEDI KNIGHTS, under her brother, Luke Skywalker.
But on the fringe of the galaxy, the last of the Emperor's warlords has taken command of the shattered Imperial fleet, readied it for war, and pointed it at the fragile heart of the New Republic....
page 15, 21, 23, 24: done as you suggest (yes, certain errors were typo)
and the "Yess" of Rukh is so also in the original version... I've left it like it was.
...I'm arrived so far now; i'll finish with the other suggestion ASAP (...when the job let me do it)