I'm going through HEIR TO THE EMPIRE right now. I've been taking proofreading notes to maybe polish it up a bit more. I'm not nitpicking you, I think you've done a fantastic job so far, but this should be as professional-looking as possible IMO.
Here goes:
- "THIS STORY TAKES PLACE FIVE YEARS LATER THE BATTLE OF ENDOR (IN 9 ABY)" should be "THIS STORY TAKES PLACE FIVE YEARS AFTER THE BATTLE OF ENDOR (9 ABY)," and I would consider getting rid of the "9 ABY" reference.
- Because "fragile" is used twice, I'd change the first sentence of the crawl to "It is a challenging time for the galaxy." In fact, here's a suggestion for general changes to the crawl:
Episode VII (not 100% necessary, but I like the idea)
HEIR TO THE EMPIRE
It is a challenging time for the newly-
united galaxy. The NEW REPUBLIC has
driven the remnants of the Galactic Empire
deep into the far corners of space.
Leia Organa Solo, pregnant with twins, is
in training to become the first in a new line
of JEDI KNIGHTS, under her brother, Jedi
Master Luke Skywalker.
But on the fringe of the galaxy, the last
of the Emperor's warlords has taken
command of the shattered Imperial fleet,
readied it for war, and pointed it at the
fragile heart of the New Republic.... (- note the four periods - the only movie that uses three is ROTJ)
Again, just a suggestion. I think it feels more dynamic and a little "tighter."
- I'd remove any "thought bubbles," like Pellaeon thinking "So young ... " It's not something we would get in the movies. Not a big deal, though.
- Page 15: Luke says "Tell her that I lover her and that everything is fine 3PO..." - this should read "Tell her I love her, and that everything is fine, Threepio." You don't need the first "that," "lover" is a typo, and the commas make it flow better. Finally, every time a character shortens a droid's name (R2 or 3PO), you should spell it out (Artoo or Threepio) if you have room to.
- Page 21: "Most alien species are" needs a period at the end. "Be on your guard Captain. Lead the way Rukh." needs two commas - one after "guard," and one after "way." A few panels later, Rukh says "Yess." I don't know if that's intentional or not - either way, it's not a huge deal.
- Page 23: "Unwise perhaps, my Jedi friend. Do you understand what this is?" feels a little awkward. My suggestion: "That may not be wise, my friend. Do you know what this is?" It's simpler, and he doesn't know if C'Baoth is a Jedi or not, so it's best for him not to be explicit about it and chance C'Baoth's anger. At a later panel, Thrawn says "All in time good Master," which should read "All in good time, Master..." I'd also suggest changing C'Baoth's next line from "trifle" to "toy," as in "Do not toy with me," and to put a comma after "me" and before "Chiss." Thrawn's last line on this page, where he says "...hidden to the Emperor himself!" should read "...hidden from the Emperor himself!"
- Page 24: I would change "Where is the fortress? Are there other holocrons?" to "Are there more holocrons in this fortress of yours?" It makes him seem smarter, not asking so many questions. Thrawn's line "Many other holocrons, and more ... and they can all be yours!" sounds redundant - "Many holocrons, and many more artifacts you couldn't dream of! And they could all be yours!" sounds a bit better. Thrawn's next line doesn't need an exclamation point - it makes him seem childish. A period will do just fine.
- Page 25: C'Baoth doesn't need to say "Take me to your ship" at the end. It's redundant, and its removal will help your line fit in the bubble a little better as well.
- Page 34: Not your change, but I've always hated Luke's little thing there - "That tapestry--and a touch of the Force...!" would be just fine if it's just "That tapestry..." The last panel on the page, the lightsaber blade seems to be at an odd angle, but this could just be me.
- Page 37: Luke's "Yes, it is time I taught you how to build one." looks a little odd. I think it could be solved by making "It is" into a contraction ("it's"), which would make the text take up a little less space, and it'd sound a bi more natural as well. And if you could make Ben's line in the last panel match his actual ROTJ line, that'd be fantastic.
That's all I've got for now, I've got to run at the moment, but I'll pick up at page 38 later and go from there.