I'd rewritten the crawl based on some of the ideas presented in the "Fan-O-Matic" thread. Note that this crawl assumes the movie plays out in this order:

1. Vader arrives on DSII
2. Leia delivers Chewie to Jabba
3. Luke is on Dagobah, Yoda dies, Obi-Wan tells Luke of Leia (which works well because the next scene is...)
4. Leia frees Han, is captured
5. Luke arrives on Tatooine.
6. Droids attempt to deliver message, but are taken captive

The rest of the movie pretty much plays out as before. Anyway, here's my new crawl:

STAR WARS
Episode VI
THE RETURN OF THE JEDI

The Rebellion stands on the
brink of destruction. While
Han Solo is imprisoned in
Jabba the Hutt's Tatooine
palace, Luke Skywalker remains
on Dagobah to complete
his Jedi training.

As Leia and Lando put into
action a plan to free their
friend, the GALACTIC EMPIRE
has begun construction on a
new, far more powerful DEATH
STAR.

When completed, this ultimate
weapon will spell certain doom
for the small band of Rebels
struggling to restore freedom
to the galaxy. . . .

And there's something that definitely NEEDS to be fixed: "Jedi" is the ONLY film where the opening crawl has three dots at the end. Every other one has four! It's bothered me since I was about 8.