Yeah... expanding the dedication is an interesting idea. I wouldn't want to dilute the tribute to GR. But hey, its an edit, not the original, I think it could be cool.
I probably came off as an ST VI basher. I love the film, its just a few little things that set my teeth on edge. I have nitpicks for all the movies.
I don't have very extensive notes. I was planning to fit it to 2 episodes. So I was going to add Flashback Excelsior bits, take care of the nitpicks, and find ways to trim for time, once I got into it. But summitted for your consideration:
Might try to put in the alternate shot of Kirk non-verbally retracting his "Let them die!", if and see how it plays, since it was Shatner's wish.
I'd clip out the use of that klunky Bosun's Whistle, there (& in ST II, for that matter). There was only one occurance in TOS - and they used a real whistle - appropriate for something traditional. They didn't use it for Ambassador Sarek, other alien digitaries, or for Starfleet admirals.
A for-home-video bit I'd leave out: "Klingons have no tear ducts." It is funny, and I hate to lose "I bet that Klingon bitch never shed a tear.", but Spock wouldn't make that error. Tear ducts drain the tears. Tears are produced by lacrimal glands. Besides, there's Worf's story that has a line about "cried a river of tears..." (quote approximate).
West's rescue plan is an interesting for-home-video addition, but I like the pacing of the theatrical.
Also for-home-video, pulling the mask off of West is a little hokey, and also weirds out the pacing, but it is nice to show the audience that a human was putting himself at risk, and violently involved. Of course he'd planned to pull off the mask, for his escape, so it makes sense.
Might weigh those against seeing almost-Odo, close-up, as an admiral... it's kinda distracting, to me.
And the SE addition of flashbacks during the mind meld. It helps us remember the who the hell they're talking about. But it just seems melodramatic, and it distracts from a very intense scene. (Maybe tone it down, get rid of that hokey sound effect, shorten them up).
1/4 impulse is a power-setting, not a speed. I could accept the claim that it was more than regulations allow, but Saavik ordered it, and she was concerned about regulations. If I recall, it was used in the other movies as well. Personally, I don't really care for the throat-clearing and tsk-tsk'ing anyway. The speeded-up footage for leaving spacedock looks false. I think it was sped up from recycled footage, so ya night steal it from whichever movie. Yes, Kirk likes his orders followed, and maybe he chafes at some rules, but he doesn't go out of his way to piss off Starfleet, while he's there, just for the hell of it.
That whole notion of mothballing Starfleet, or its military capability, is too silly for anyone to utter. There's nothing hypothetical about an alien threat, there's the Romulans, at the very least.
I wish it were practical to get rid of those distracting neon clocks, and replace the curved tube-tv-screens with flatscreen. But that'd be an overwhelming amount of work.
I doubt Klingons would choose the word "Gulag". Might be possible to edit out the uses of the word, and just leave "Rura Pente". Morphed frames could be used to keep them from being jump-cuts. Yeah, it could be chalked it up to the universal translator, and left it as is. But it seemed like a heavy-handed "They're Soviets! See? They're Soviets!" to me. They were clearly politically-analogous to the Soviets in TOS, without any blunt cues for the non-fan general audience. I think it would at least be nice for "Welcome to [] Rura Pente!" because the original line is clumsy. And if it were the universal translator, would that word have survived into their century? Maybe, it might've been applied to other powers's labor-camps, over the centuries.
Oh, and: "If the shoe fits." I'd cut Checkov gloating, and Spock getting his attention. He drops the shoes, we see Valeris's, Spock's, and the crowd's reaction after having their attention drawn to Dax's feet. Camera pans down and we see the problem. Checkov & Valeris look dissapointed. Actually, it's hard to believe that no one noticed his feet sooner. Maybe have him come in, then the camera pans to his feet. Gets right to the punchline.