Assuming you included the part of the deleted Senate scene where Padme talks about the assasination attempt, there's no real need to have that info in the crawl.
The best crawls have a powerful, mood-setting, first line (EPIV: "It is a period of civil war." EPV: "It is a dark time for the Rebellion"). Of course it's your crawl and you're free to write whatever you wish, but it is a much appretiated way to begin a crawl. If you're keeping the Naboo part however, I recommend changing to "A decade has passed since the Battle of Naboo."
Dooku being a Jedi Knight or Master isn't 100% relevant, so I would just call him Jedi. It's a minor change but you have to try and keep things as short and simple as possible in writing these.
Also here's another suggestion on shortening stuff:
On the remote world of Kamino, the
Galactic Senate has ordered the creation
of a CLONE ARMY, and debates rage on
countering the Separatists with military force.
I like your thoughts and changes to the plot. Looking forward to seeing the finished film
