I've always thought that Anakin needed to actively save the day rather than bumbling it, he needs to get the surge of emotion and rise to the occassion, to be a child thrust into the adult world (and the damage that causes his psyche) he also needs to enjoy the power of it a little bit - he will always struggle with the love of the power and trying to do what is right.
He needs to get into the fighter with a purpose, take out the enemy and have the same 'YES' moment when taking out the ship interior to save the day as Luke has when firing the shot that takes down the Death Star. I was terribly disappointed that Lucas didn't mimick that same shot for Ep1, it seemed ot scream out for it.
I wouldn't reverse any language for vocal tracks, it *always* sounds reversed, especially if it is a relatively well known language like the Germanic/Romantic/Slavic languages - perhaps pick a language that the bulk of people in the US/UK won't be familiar with, like Icelandic or something, and pitch shift it down if necessary. (Make them speak Klingon and fulfil the prophecy of restoring balance to the Trek/Wars universe)
(/rant/) And get rid of the horrendous American commentary of the Podrace, I don't know if it grates as much on American ears, but oh man I hate that with a passion - it goes against the whole galaxy far far away concept, everything not written in English etc. to have that in there - why not put in 'Let's get ready to Rumble' when Luke get's in with the Rancour. (/end rant/)
Not sure if I'd remove R2, Although I still can't reconcile why Obi-wan would look blankly at R2 and say he doesn't remember owning a droid in ANH if R2 is left in there.
I don't mind the R2 link being in there, I'd prefer it if his memory wasn't wiped, it kind of reminds me of when Asimov brought Daneel Olivaw into the foudation series - that was brilliant, and I like the idea of this robot that has been around forever and holds some of the secrets of the universe.
But 3PO being there just closes the wide Star Wars universe down to the size of a small town for me, Chewie kind of does also - it all gets a bit too incestuous.
The crawl needs more balls, the existing one sounds like a treatise on tax law, I think yours is an improvement, but could still use another testicle or three.
"The trade federation has blockaded a bankrupt Naboo for unpaid levies" isn't strong enough as an opening line, it still has a feel of 'administrative issues' or a parking fine, instead of great things that are shaping the universe.
Unfortunately I am void of ideas, I'm shitty at writing copy. But overall the opening line should be bold. Look at Ep4 and 5.
"It is a period of civil war"
"It is a dark time for the Rebellion"
Unfortunately Lucas is already in verbosity overdrive by ROTJ - I can't even be bothered typing the opening Sentence - who needs 29 words for the opening statement.
Even the second line of ANH has plenty of punch.
"Rebel spacehips, striking from a hidden base have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire" Yay!
Then look at episode 1's second line, it is killer!
"The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is *yawn* in dispu....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
So after reading the crawl this soundss like an exciting movie about a taxation dispute way out in the suburbs that a couple of Jedi are being sent over to sort out.
Thrilling.
I think the new crawl needs a strong short opening line, followed by a strong more detailed second statement.
Second paragraph provides some backround info needed to setup the film
Last paragraph leaves you hanging and tells you what is at stake.
The idea of the Qui-gon voice in Anakin's head could work, not sure if it is needed for the pod-race, that is Anakin's turf and they haven't built up that much of a relationship yet, but the final battle sequence 'force voice' draws a nice parallel with the trench scene from ANH.
A somber ending could work if Naboo suffered serious pwnage, so although it was a victory they sustained such heavy losses that celebration would be unseemly.
I'm yet to see an edit of Ep1 that makes the film watchable for me, but this sounds promising.