Being a Qui-Gon fan, I appreciated what you tried to do with your limited resources, ADM. It comes as no surprise that the most effective V.O. comes when Yoda is meditating, as that is where it was originally intended. If the "My master, you must live!" could be smoothed out, I think it would work just as well as "Run, Luke, Run!" As it stands it sounds a bit out of place. And I understand what you were going for in the Dagobah scene, but the dialogue is just too obvioulsy cut-and-paste from TPM and ESB, in my opinion.
Has anyone considered "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" as a source for new Qui-Gon dialogue? Well, I'm sure we all have, but has anyone actually put something together with it yet? I wasn't released on DVD until after this and other edits were completed, so it's an untapped resource thusfar.