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I think I could really use some advice

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Hello everyone,

I've been a member here for quite a long time. I've seen some weird things and strange people. I've also seen some very compassionate things happen. I visit a lot of message boards and I do not remember seeing that anywhere else. When people have posted their actual, real life problems, others have stepped up to help them out.

Well, I find myself in a position where I could use some advice.

Over the last few months, I have been dealing with a very tempermental stomach ache. (At first read, I know that sounds rather trivial.) A little over a month ago, I went to the doctor, who attributed it to stress and gave me a prescription for Zantac.
I had hoped that 1 month on the medication would have fixed me up and good as new. I was wrong and I now have a future 2 months supply.

I am slightly concerned that an upset stomach was just a first symptom of the stress. I've got extremely tense muscles. My appetite has changed (that could be part of the stomach trouble though). I feel more irritable with library patrons at work. In the last week or two, I've started having trouble sleeping. Bed at 11-11:30, wake up for no apparent reason at 2-2:30, then again at 5, again at 6 or 7 and a near complete inability to get back to sleep after that. Normally, I would sleep until 8 or 8:30 without interruption.

I have decided that from October 16 to the 22, I am taking a week off from work and I'm going to use the time for introspection and meditation. Try to reduce the stress as well as find the root of it.
No internet, no phone, probably no TV or even radio, and minimal time outside the house.

I need to try to determine what in my past could be causing the trouble and make some decisions about my future that are also weighing on my mind.


Some not-so-quick thoughts about what MIGHT be a big factor in causing it:
(You can skip this if you like, just go all the way to the bottom of the post).

Some of you know me and have heard my story. I'm a 26-year-old computer lab attendant, who's never dated in his life and is shy like Crispin Glover's George McFly in Back to the Future.
I am extremely awkward in social situations, even among people I know (including family). Typically at large get-togethers, I'll stand off to the side with a (non-alcoholic) drink in my hand watching other people talk. Conversation with me often ends up being forced.

I want to change that. I want to be more social. It came up one day in conversation at work and one of my coworkers is willing to help (BTW: She and I have developed what I consider a pretty strong friendship in the 1.5 years since she started working at the library. In fact, I'd say its the strongest friendship I've had with a girl/woman in my life. She already has a boyfriend of 8 years and I readily admit I would never want to damage that relationship...however, if it fell apart on its own, I believe I would try to step in. In one of the hardest-to-write messages I have ever had, I told her that I thought I felt more for her than I would for just a friend.)

Anyways, back to my anti-social issues...she has tried to help. She invited me to hang out with her, 2 of my coworkers and one of her other friends one Wednesday night (a day we both have off). I initially refused, saying bars and dancing wasn't my idea of fun. When she replied back in all caps, I felt like I had insulted her. That made me feel bad (which included my stomach). After some thinking, I apologized, asked if I was still invited, and got directions.
It started at a bar and then went to a dance club.
This is when my stomach trouble started, and it was so bad I ended up in the bar bathroom within 5 minutes of walking in the door and it knocked me out of a half-days work on the following Saturday. In the end, I didn't dance and drank only some ginger ale at the bar to help settle my stomach.

2 weeks later, again on a Wednesday, she invited me to join her again, this time to play a card game at her apartment. Same people involved, with the addition of her boyfriend. Again, I felt sick the entire time I was there (didn't help it was 90 degrees the entire night).

It was about 4 weeks after this incident that I sent that "hardest-to-write message" and that completely obliterated my stomach. Her reply message sat unread for days because I just didn't know how I would feel. Turns out I was grossly over-reacting. Few days after I finally read the message, I went to the doctor and ended up with the Zantac prescription.

I've had to turn down every invitation she's extended to me since because just the simple thought of it makes my stomach get worked up. (This past week, it was lunch with her and her sister, very low key and low pressure, but I still couldn't go through with it.) Reading messages from her, depending on the content, gives a slightly stronger effect. Every once in a while, its bad enough I end up making a mad dash for the bathroom (if you get my meaning).
She's been extremely understanding about the whole situation. If I could find a good time and the right words, I owe her a huge, in person thank you for everything.

When I say I plan on doing some introspection, this is the BIG issue I plan on tackling.


Anyways, I was hoping I could get feedback from anyone here that may have had to deal with (extreme?) stress-related issues. I'm pretty much flying blind because I've never been this way before.
Its never easy to write something like this, admitting you have sometime wrong with you, but as they (who is they? I don't know.) say, its the first step on the road to recovery.

Thanks for reading, your time and any help you are able to provide.
Roy
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The symptoms sound like depression. (I suffer from it) Don't rule it out. It is easy to mistake it for something else. Could be extreme anxiety or both. PM me if you want to.
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I'd be lying if I said depression never entered my head. Anytime it did, though, I discounted it because I really don't see anything about my life that would depress me. Overall, I've been content with my life. Week-to-week, I've been in a rut, but I tend to prefer that (see the next part about anxiety).

I will do some research and see what I find regarding depression.

The extreme anxiety makes some sense, which makes me look back to stress. I'm simply stressing out over the potential of new and/or unusual situations.
That kind of thing is not unprecedented in my family. I've been told my grandmother has trouble taking a different route to the grocery store (though the stress manifests itself in a different way for her).

Thanks for the insight. If I get more information that seems to supports the idea of depression, I'll probably PM.
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Hey, I really don't know what to tell you, as I have some similar troubles, especially when it comes to socializing and dating, but I have no idea what the solution is...

But if there is any way I can help, you know I'd be glad to.

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You know, starkiller, I had, and somewhat still have, the same problems you face. For me, the cause is far too complex to mention here, but it turned into a point where I chose to seek professional help, and I think you should do the same. Doooon't just jump into conclusions, like saying "oh I have social anxiety and depression and this and that", and don't go jumping into drugs. Seek a professional therapist first. A cognitive psychological therapy can help most cases without the use of any drugs, and belive me, you don't wanna take those things that mess up with your nervous system, specially for yourself, as you described phisical symptoms you have that are caused merely by your own state of mind.

You know what I've changed in my mind so I would stop worrying too much about myself on social situations and about my life?

a) I don't give a fuck to what people think about me. If they say it out loud, I'll sue their asses, so there.
b) I only hang out with people I want to, at the places I want to. I've learned to say "no" without feeling bad.
c) This won' apply for everyone, but: I feel more and more that I'm really asexual. I don't really care about screwing hot girls every day.
d) Apreciate real friendships over popularity or "being cool". That goes well with (a) and (b).
And... e) Alcohool is not that bad!

Apart from the obvious advice - seeking professional assistance - I'd like to know a bit more about yourself so I can advice you on some other things.

1- How confortable do you feel at your job?

2- Do all social situations make you unconfortable?

3- Do you live all by yourself? (a mere yes or no is ok, some people don't wanna say too much about their private life)
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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I concur with Ric, seek special advice from a Psychiatrist or Psychologist. If you're a believer, counseling from somebody in your faith can help too.
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Ric,

1. I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions, but getting a general idea of what might be my issue would be helpful.
2. I would never jump into drugs of any kind without a prescription from a doctor who had been given as much information as I could provide them with.

For the moment, though, I would like to think I am not to the point of requiring professional help. If this week off I have planned proves to be unsuccessful, I sense help of that kind may be necessary.

Now, looking at your list of the changes:
a. Once in a while, something someone says will knock me off guard and might hurt, but for the most part, things people say rolls of my back like water of a duck.
b. For the most part, I'm that way too. After those 2 incidents, my coworker noticed the same thing and is trying to propose things that I might be more comfortable with.
c. Not sure how to respond to that.
d. There are times when I feel I haven't shown my appreciation for my true friends. I'm not trying to be popular or cool...there is some middle ground between that and being an anti-social nerd. I'd like to work my way a little farther into that middle ground.
e. My lack of alcohol consumption is more because I just do not like it. As a small child, my parents let me sample beer, and I just did not like it.

Now, to answer your questions:
1. Am I comfortable? That covers a lot of ground. My work is, for the most part, easy (sometimes patrons get on my nerves). Pay could be better. The location is perfect (I walk to work every day...rain or shine). There is some question regarding the future of the computer center at the library, but its not job threatening. I work at the smaller of 2 library branches. The larger building is undergoing a significant addition and renovation. There will be a period where their computer center will not be able to exist and the plans are to move some computers and probably staff to my branch until the work is finished. I get along great with all my coworkers.
Now, I work all the time. In 8 and a half years, I've taken 2.5 days of sick time. The extent of my vacations is usually about 1 week every 6 months for a trip back to WI to see my extended family. The library manager is routinely telling me I could take 2+ weeks of paid vacation, but I feel I can't because they need me too much. Everytime I come back from a vacation, every employee tells me how much they missed me.

2. Some situations are worse than others. What I described above at the bar/dance club and my coworkers place are the most extreme I've ever had.

3. As cliche as it may sound: I live in my parents attic. In a manner of speaking, I am alone because I am the only person on my floor. However, a lot of the time I do have my family around.
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im no doctor but ive had the exact same thing not too long ago...
mine had nothing to do with social interactions... but more interruptions.

turns out it was extreme anxiety...
i had problems with my girlfriend, a best friend of mine, work, school, getting older, family problems.... it all sort of built up...
basically whenever i was alone or trying to relax and just have some alone time, any interruptions would cause severe nausea and shortness of breath...
example.. i would be eating dinner by myself and as soon as the phone rang i would instantly begin to panic..

for those who dont know me, i HATE getting interrupted while im eating...
so i lost a severe amount of weight, lacked sleep, and was constantly sick to my stomach.

in the end i just had to calm down and let things pass...
things ended up getting better with my girlfriend.. my friend ended up leaving town, work mellowed out, and so on...
now im getting my weight back to normal, sleep better than i ever have before and generally am stress free..

i would definatly look into anxiety or panic attacks my friend.
talk with a doctor and get their opinion.

you seem like a good guy and im glad to know that your looking after your health.
oh ya and dont ever be embarrassed about perhaps not being very social or not being a ladies man.
we all have our habits, shortcomings and things which we enjoy doing.

as long as your happy nothing else matters.


wish you the best of luck!
"Never. I'll never turn to the darkside. You've failed your highness. I am a jedi, like my father before me."
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First off, thank you for having the courage to express yourself! You are to be commended for your bravery and honesty.

I concur that you should really just seek out some Professional advice, even if it's just going to see someone in the field and talking for an hour.

Also, Doctors are like cereal brands - they all do the same basic thing but it's wise to seek out one that does it best for you and you like it.

I've had some issues before and humbled myself long enough to seek out help - I had one guy want to put hot crystals on my forehead, one wanted to hypnotize me, but one of them just wanted to talk - and that helped more than anything.

Maybe someone who is on the Forum lives in your area and can help in finding you someone, or maybe can even go with you for support?

Good luck, I have confidence that you'll be okay.
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could be acid relflux. You should get it checked out because sometimes this can lead to stomach ulcers and cancer of the asophagus.

Or it could just be stress or depression or a combination of things.

How many cups of coffee do you drink a day they can do a number on someone with a sensitive stomach, so can alcohol according to my doctor.

“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.

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Luke,
Some of that does sound familiar, though nothing as extreme as what you describe. I can't even imagine how that was for you. I'm glad things worked out for you.

TheCassidy,
Thanks for the support. I don't believe anyone on the forums lives nearby. Believe me, if it comes down to it, I will get help, but for now I really think taking the week off is going to be a big help.

skyjedi2005,
Zantac is pretty much the same as Nexium, which is used to control acid reflux. If that is it, I've got it covered.
In addition to the alcohol, I don't drink coffee. I generally don't drink soda either (once per week or less).
----------------------

I did some research on depression (in particular, clinical depression), as I said I would. Wikipedia seemed to have a pretty good source for the average person to understand. I did see a number of my symptoms on the page's list, but I do not think I fit the biggest qualification...depressed mood/anhedonia.

There is a section on treatment, and it lists exercise and meditation as being helpful. Meditation was going to something I did anyways. Exercise I hadn't thought about, though it makes sense as a stress relief method as well.
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Starkiller, the letter examples I gave you were only related to myself, I didn't say you had to follow those, it was just an example.

1- I wanted to know if you feel nervous or unconfortable while at your job, because your social anxiety could be related to two things: either you're unconfortable with people - in which case you'd not feel so great at yout job - or you're unconfortable in situations you don't know how to behave or don't have full control of the situation. Since you've told me you've been working there for 8 and a half years, I'd belive the second option is the most probable one.

As for 2 and 3, I can sense you have a tendency to isolate yourself, as you are confortable in your present inconfortability. You are suffering for being away from social events that make you anxious, but it's a suffering you know, a suffering you don't have to share with others, so you choose to be like that. Apart from the professional help I'd recomend you to seek, what I'd ask you: try going out with some friends, including that friend of yours, and just be yourself, don't compare yourself with others because that is always an unfair comparison - everyone is different, and in our minds difference = inferiority, and try not to control what you do and say. You're obviously a smart and articulated person, so you should have no problems there.

About that isolation period of yours, that you're planning: I'm not sure what you're thinking about achieving with that... What will change? Is it only for the stomachache?

And about that, your stomachache, I'd continue seeing a doctor about it, it could be caused by your anxiety, but it could be doing some actual phisical harm. A regular doctor could be able to help you on that.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Ric,

You know, you mentioned something that does strike a chord with me.
"You're uncomfortable in situations you don't know how to behave or don't have full control of the situation."

For a long time, probably as long as I can remember, I have been an observer and a researcher. I plan things out. I investigate my options. I rarely leap without having looked (in fact I'd probably try to measure how far I need to leap, then test myself to make sure I could make the leap).
You are absolutely right, I really am not comfortable in those kinds of situations. In fact that's one thing I tried to tell my coworker. She seemed to discount it at first, but she later told me that she would try to find things I'd be more comfortable doing.

"Try going out with some friends, including that friend of yours, and just be yourself"
She told me that too, that I need to be myself. My problem is: I either don't know what 'myself' is like OR she's seen 'myself' and thinks that it isn't 'myself'.

"I'm not sure what you're thinking about achieving with that... What will change?"
Well, the time off, having less responsibilities and worries is something I think I could use. As I said before, I so rarely take vacations. I can relax.

As far as the introspection, my exact methods I'm not even clear on. My reason for starting this in the first place was to get ideas on what I could do.

I may try taking a topic that I feel I need to clear up in my head and just do some kind of stream of consciousness writing with it. Anything that enters my head, I write.
I may use what I can only call 'The Mindy Method', named for a cartoon character from Animaniacs. Simply take a question and ask myself why. Why do I care? Why did I let XXXXX affect me the way it did? Why can't I bring myself to tell someone I care, especially in person?

What will change? Maybe nothing, maybe everything, maybe somewhere in between. I need to examine my motivations and see if I need to change them and if I CAN change them.

One of the things my coworker has told me is that she thinks I lack any self-confidence. That I choose not to say some things for fear of offending someone.
I think she's at least partially right. What she didn't come up with, and what just entered my mind now, is I think I choose not to say things for fear of myself being hurt. I could bring myself to tell a girl in HS how I felt, for fear of rejection. I have difficulty putting myself in social situations because I fear I may say something stupid and get laughed at or otherwise riticuled.
I also don't think these are conscious fears. I think they reside deeper than that. My mind tricks my body to make it harder for me to "put myself in danger," so to speak.
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I used to have a needle phobia as a small child, and as I had to take more and more injection shots, my fear got worse and worse. But the age of 10 I had to take some blood samples, and I felt like I was in death row, counting the days to it. Time went by, and this phobia persisted on me, even though I didn't have to take a single injection for years. By the age of 17 I had to, and I was kinda afraid. I controlled my fear out of another fear: the fear of embarassing myself by showing my first fear (complex, isn't it?). So, I stood there and then... that was it? It wasn't as painful as I considered it to be as a child. My phobia vanished that day. Now if I have to take blood samples or shots or anything like that, I have no fear at all. Now I know that the pain I face is not that big. I have no need to worry about it.

When I started doing stand up, and then now when I started to present myself in cosplay presentations and contests on anime conventions, I always thought I would mess up, I would do terrible on stage, I would forget the whole thing, and that fear dominated me until I got there. When I climb the stage, I am in control of my fear. Things are not that bad. And you know what? I've bombed. I've messed up some times. I had problems during a 30 minute cosplay presentation in which the audio started to jump and the whole thing was set to a big disaster. And all those times, you know what's the worse that happened? Nothing. Nothing bad happened. I'm still alive. People watching couldn't care less. Even if things go wrong, it's okay.

That's the same for social situations. First, you have to dominate your fear by facing it. Seeing how it's not that bad. And being yourself - that dosen't mean you're "faking it" or being someone you aren't, but you're restraining yourself from the things you want to say, you want to do. I bet you refrain from mentioning stuff you consider geeky or nerd-like - well, those are part of what you are (and as a matter of fact, of what we ALL here are), and you should be able to talk about it with no fear. Be yourself, really. Don't be afraid.

And, also, what is the worse thing that can happen? Think about it for a while: if some girl you are not interested comes to you and says she wants to go out with you on a date, you won't ridicule her. You won't do anything cruel. You'll try to reject her request the most politely way possible, and even feel a bit special for being someone that some girl wanted. You'll probably befriend her. So, why would someone behave in a different way? Why do we always judge that people are meaner than we are, tha people will hurt us in the most horrible ways? If someone has hurt you before, it dosen't mean everyone is like that. And that person probably didn't do it on porpouse, it was something that happened in a moment in which you took it in a bad way, in a way that hurted you.

So, there. Seek profesional help. Let your parents know you're doing this, they'll help you the best way they can. Be yourself, and I mean, BE yourself. Be the same person you are when you're alone. Don't censor your thoughts for fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed. And relax, remember, nothing terrible will happen if you try to be more social.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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I think every kid had trouble with needles. I once had it so bad, it took 4 or 5 doctors to restrain me so they could get blood. And to think every 6 months I got sub-dermal allergy shots.
I grew out of it by 8th grade though.

"I bet you refrain from mentioning stuff you consider geeky or nerd-like - well, those are part of what you are (and as a matter of fact, of what we ALL here are), and you should be able to talk about it with no fear. Be yourself, really. Don't be afraid."Actually, I quote 40+ year old movies and reference obscure cartoons all the time, and I always end up explaining the reference as everyone stares at me confused...or I walk away because I can't believe the people I was talking to didn't get it.
Why THAT doesn't bother me, I haven't got a clue. Probably because it happens so often.

Also, most of my friends are just as geeky or nerdy as I am, so it doesn't bother them or me to say something like that.

"And, also, what is the worse thing that can happen? Think about it for a while."
That is exactly what I need to straighten out with myself and exactly what I want to do with that week. All these little issues, I need to take the time and think them out. By doing so, by showing myself how irrational they are, I can help myself recover.

"if some girl you are not interested comes to you and says she wants to go out with you on a date, you won't ridicule her."
I've never had the experience, but its safe to say no I wouldn't.

"So, why would someone behave in a different way?" ... "If someone has hurt you before, it dosen't mean everyone is like that."
You're making tons of sense, but I need to convince my entire self of that.

"Be the same person you are when you're alone."
When I'm alone? That's no good for me. I'm as quiet and disconnected when I'm alone as when I'm in social situations.
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Originally posted by: starkiller

"Be the same person you are when you're alone."
When I'm alone? That's no good for me. I'm as quiet and disconnected when I'm alone as when I'm in social situations.


But I bet you have all your "guards" down when you're by yourself. You're relaxed. That's what you have to capture.

I feel like I have nothing more to add to what I've said so far. I just want to repeat this: please seek profesional help. It did wonders for me.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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I see what you mean now.

Thanks for all your advice, Ric. I hope I can work through this without professional help, but if conditions do not improve over the short-term, I will get it.