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I wish I could provide a link - it seemed to be down, or under revision for the third time, hard to tell - but I'll offer up the relevant bits:
#23 - Ham-fisted Hamill
Mark, Mark, Mark - my God, this kid couldn't play dead if you decapitated him. Horrible actor. Spent like, ten seconds staring at the sunset. No matter how many times I yelled "Faster and more intense!", he just kept emoting all over the place! I wonder if William Katt is still available? He's got cool hair.
#41 - Daily Disaster
Yuck. We shot some Cantina footage today, what a mess! First, I had a completely different idea of what the Cantina would look like - instead of a lizard with a rasta hat, we got a wolfman! A wolfman! Completely and utterly ruins the scene! If I could just get rid of the wolfman and get the lizard in there, the scene would go from "worthless shit" to "my original vision".
Then, we shoot Han (BTW, it sounds like Hand, not Khan - gotta coach the actors on that one) and Greedo. OMG! WTF?? See, I thought we were all clear that Han is a good guy and Greedo is the bad guy, so what's with the thug stuff? That's no image for kids.
I guess I'm supposed to spell all of this shit out in the SCRIPT from now on! What a bunch of worthless hacks I've got up here.
#85 - Eat Shit, Motion Picture Academy
Annie Hall? ANNIE HALL!? What, are you bitches blind? That nervous little wretch Woody Allen wins MY award? Fuck me in the ass if I'm wrong, but NO ONE SAW THAT MOVIE!! You know what the reaction outside of New York was when the Best Picture award was announced? I'll tell you: "Who in the green hell is Annie Hall??"
Fuck all that. Just because I didn't put the "proper credits" in, what a bunch of nauseating political bullshit. I'll have my revenge though. Thirty years from now, we'll see which director is living off the reputation of one movie and which one has made several highly-acclaimed low-budget pictures. Woody Allen. Please.
#113 - Kersh is seriously pissing me off.
The next time I hear Kirshner say "Faster", "More intense", or some combination of the two it will be the first. I've been checking in from time to time, and crap! THIS is Star Wars? A LOVE story? See if I ever lean on that for a Star Wars movie!
And if you MUST have a love story, why OH WHY doesn't Han say "I love you too" to Leia if he loves her? How is the audience supposed to know that he loves her? "I know". What a dick move! If I was Leia, I'd be pissed. Hell, she's kinda hot for Luke, too - I'll probably put them together. Rest assured, Kirsh will not be directing the next one!
#142 - Best. Star Wars. Ever.
OMG - I have outdone myself. A GREEN lightsaber, Luke wearing black and looking tough, big monsters, more Boba Fett, fighting teddy bears, BURPING!! Topping it all off, I brought in the great Sebastian Shaw to play Anakin Skywalker. He's about the same age as Guiness, it'll work out perfect when I do the other six. FABULOSO!
#318 - Meet the new guy
I have had it with all the yes men slinking around the ranch: "Yes George, you ought to move on to other projects", "Yes George, the Star Wars Trilogy is a classic", "Yes George, you could stand to lose a few pounds" - Enough! Just yesterday, I hired a no-nonsense, straight shooter by the name of Richard "Rick" McCallum. You don't know his name yet, but you will. And you'll be glad you did.
If you find the same site I did, please copy and paste any juicy bits I missed.
* - don't get excited, this is just satire
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