Originally posted by: Master Skywalker
Episode III
Revenge of the Jedi
The rebellion is doomed. The GALACTIC EMPIRE is about
to finish the construction of a new armored space station,
even stronger then the first dreaded DEATH STAR.
While the scattered remnants of the Alliance are regrouping
to form a GREAT REBEL FLEET, Luke Skywalker, the
last JEDI KNIGHT alive, is returning to his home
planet of Tatooine to rescue rebel general HAN
SOLO from the cluthes of the vile gangster
JABBA THE HUTT.
It is a perilous time for the remaining freedom fighters
struggling to restore peace and justice to the galaxy,
as the Empire prepares the ultimate weapon for the final
battle . . .
Episode III
Revenge of the Jedi
The rebellion is doomed. The GALACTIC EMPIRE is about
to finish the construction of a new armored space station,
even stronger then the first dreaded DEATH STAR.
While the scattered remnants of the Alliance are regrouping
to form a GREAT REBEL FLEET, Luke Skywalker, the
last JEDI KNIGHT alive, is returning to his home
planet of Tatooine to rescue rebel general HAN
SOLO from the cluthes of the vile gangster
JABBA THE HUTT.
It is a perilous time for the remaining freedom fighters
struggling to restore peace and justice to the galaxy,
as the Empire prepares the ultimate weapon for the final
battle . . .
A few things you need to edit:
- you have misspelled 'clutches' -- you're missing a 'c'.
- it should be 'stronger thAn', not 'stronger thEn'.
- Star Wars crawls usually end with an ellipsis and a period -- so four dots, not three.
A few things you should consider:
- 'stronger than' is a weak construction. Jaxon's Dad's suggestion of 'more powerful than' sounds better to this native speaker. I would suggest even 'larger than' sounds more natural than 'stronger than'.
- 'about to finish' is also a weak construction. Again, Jaxon's Dad's suggestion of 'is nearing completion of' is better.
Basically, Jaxon's Dad's edits sound like they were written by a native speaker of English, while yours don't quite. Your turns of phrase are a bit clunky. You're still doing far better in English than I'd ever do in French or Flemish, but I'm just sayin'...