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Translating SW dialogue to modern day English

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Thought this could be fun. Here goes....

Leia
Han?

Han
What do you want Princess?

Leia
You promised you were going to stay!

Han
Jabba said if I don't give him his money he'd send my ass straight to hell.

Leia
And you listen to that slug?

Han
Um, yah.

Leia
So you're just going to abandon the Rebellion? You're such a great leader.

Han
Sorry, but I have to go.

Leia
But Han...

Han
What's your problem? Am I that irresistable?

Leia
Oh kiss my ass.

Han
I can arrange that.
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
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Leia: Governor Tarkin, I knew you were behind this. I could spell your b.o. on the way in.

Tarkin: Nice to see you too Princess. I will be so sad to see them stick a needle in your arm.

Leia: Oh cry me a river.

Tarkin: Princess Lee-ah,

Leia: It's Lay-uh, not Lee-ah.

Tarkin: Whatever. Before you die, we wanted you to be a guest at our little Death Star initiation party.

Leia: What the hell are you talking about?

Tarkin: You are about to witness the full firepower of this station. Nobody will think of messing with the Emperor now.

Leia: Is that a threat?

Tarkin: Oh why do I even bother. Leia, since you will not tell us where your secret base is, we are going to blow up your home Planet of Alderaan!

Leia: *&*#&*(&####(@(@(!!!!!!

Tarkin: I knew that would get your attention. It's either Alderaan or your rebel base. You get the final say.

Leia: Fine, the Rebels are on Dantooine.

Tarkin: I knew that would work. You may fire when ready.

Leia: What the $*@@?!

Tarkin: I can't believe you fell for that one. You can kiss Alderaan goodbye.

Leia: Shit!
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
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Ben: Luke, I have to tell you about the force.
Luke: What's that?
Ben: The force is like electricity. You can do a lot with it but, if you lose control you'll die.
Luke: Why?
Ben: You'll turn to the Darkside. Like your fa- *clears throat* I mean you'll just feel dead inside is all. So don't do it.
Luke: What do you mean "dead inside"? What kind of talk is that?
Ben: Well, your Father...
Luke(interrupts): You knew my Father?
Ben: Yeah, I was going to tell you something about him but, I lost my train of thought. Anyways, yeah, he was a good pilot. Hell of a fighter to, did flips all over the place.


http://twister111.tumblr.com
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Guys, guys, GUYS! Is that supposed to be modern, contemporary...?

C'mon, not enough F-words
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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[a large-eyed creature gives Luke a rough shove]
Dr. Evazan: [explaining] He sez you're a moron.
Luke: Fuck off.
Dr. Evazan: Now lemme tell you something, motherfucka! They tried to put me in the electric chair, but you know why they couldn't? Because I fucked 'em so fucking hard that they...
Luke: Piss off, gay.
Dr. Evazan: Don't make me do ya in, you little fuck!
Obi-Wan: [intervening] Get off his back, you piece of homosexual wank-splat! He's too small for you! Why don't you just go have a pint of piss instead? (he's British after all)
[Dr. Evazan shoves Luke across the room and pulls out a blaster]
Bartender: Hey! What the fuck do ya think you're doing?!
[In a flash, he and his alien companion Ponda Baba are on the floor with a slashed torso and a severed arm respectively]
Luke: Why the fuck did you have to say that? You made the whole thing worse!
Obi-Wan: Scruttocks. Don't fuck with the Jedi Master!

And now for an original one:

Han Solo: Hey, Chewie? Have you got any problems with shit in your fur?
Chewbacca: [growls]
Han Solo: Good enough!
[fart noises]

"The things that stick in my mind and make me laugh were, like, memos worried about whether or not the Wookie should have pants. They're looking at this thing and saying, "Couldn't he have some lederhosen?" This is great. Of all the things to worry about, the Wookie has no pants." -Mark Hamill
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why is it so easy for me to envision Luke telling someone to "Fuck off." It seems very natural to me.

Vader: Join me and we can end this distructive conflict!
Luke: Fuck you!
"I am altering the movies. Pray I don't alter them any further." -Darth Lucas
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LOL at all the f words. Just imagining those characters saying that is hillarious. Here's some more....

Qui Gon
Who was the father?

Shmi
There was no father?

Qui Gon
What the hell? Are you kidding?

Shmi
No, I'm tellling you. I'm still a virgin. You should understand...

Qui Gon
Look bitch, we're not talking about me. Are you telling me you're like Virgin Mary the sequel?

Shmi
Um, I guess........

-----------------------

C3PO: How did we get into this shit, R2? I just can't figure it out! I feel like shit. I'm going to need an oil bath real soon.

R2 beeps

C3PO: Where the fuck are you going biach? I'm not going that way. This way looks sooooo much faster. Fine then, go your way you metal piece of shit! But don't you come begging me for help later!

R2 beeps

C3PO: Oh bugger off you arse!

______________

Luke
I feel like-

Yoda
Feel like what?

Luke
Shit! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Yoda
Sorry. Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm. I am wondering, why are you here?

Luke
What? I can't understand a damn word you're saying! What's wrong with you? Did you listen to Hooked on Backwards Phonics?

Yoda
Insult me you should not, Jackass!

Luke
Bite me.

Yoda
Moron alert!

Luke
I am NOT a Moron!

Yoda
Yes you are. Whine like a girl and crash your ship in the swamp did you!

Luke
Leave me alone.

Yoda
No, help you I can. Yes, mmmm.

Luke
I don't want your help asshole. I'm looking for Yoda the Jedi Master.

Yoda
Oooh Yoda.... Hot as shit is he.

Luke
You know him?

Yoda
Like, duh? How many people live on this swamp do you think?

Luke
Uh---

Yoda
Come. Take you to Yoda I will.




George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
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Darth Vader: Luke... help me take this mask off.
Luke: But you'll die.
Darth Vader: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once... let me... look on you with my OWN eyes.
[Luke takes off Darth Vader's mask one piece at a time. Underneath, Luke sees the face of a pale, scarred, bald-headed, old man - his father, Anakin. Anakin's eyes are full of love as he sadly looks at Luke]
Anakin: Now... go, my son. Leave me.
Luke: Okay. Bye, pops!
[Luke leaves]
Anakin: Luke! LUKE! What a fucking son of a bitch!
[Anakin slumps down in death]
"The things that stick in my mind and make me laugh were, like, memos worried about whether or not the Wookie should have pants. They're looking at this thing and saying, "Couldn't he have some lederhosen?" This is great. Of all the things to worry about, the Wookie has no pants." -Mark Hamill
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Owen: Take these two droids and have them cleaned up before dinner time

Luke: What? But I was on my way out to go get some shit for my speeder.

Owen: You can waste time with those dumbass friends of yours after you've done a little work around here.

Luke: God-DAMMIT!

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Vader: I am atering the deal, pray I don't alter it any further.

Lando: Awwww hell nawwww!
"I am altering the movies. Pray I don't alter them any further." -Darth Lucas