Interesting changes. I am rather curious to see if your rearranging and cutting keeps the narrative logical. Tough to tell from reading alone.
Removing the Mandolorian “rebellion” is an obvious plotline to remove as it just ends with them getting killed by the Empire as opposed to Maul. That was a let down.
I thought plenty of the action sequences and lightsaber duels were dragged out. More good choices.
I am personally neutral towards the Pykes removal, but I did believe the Lawson family feud added extra flavor to their characters even though I did feel it got dragged out a bit.
The potential voice changes, if they work, would be nice - in particular the consistency for Vos to align with Bettany’s voice in Solo.
==> I am half-joking about this: I was letdown that we did not get a single word out of Vader. I was eager for one of his snarky one-liners towards Maul.
The Lawson family politics was built up to have some sort of big payoff, but that never happened. I’ve left in references to Mrs Lawson working for the empire to give legitimacy to Brander’s anti-empire stance. Beyond that, nothing is really needed.
I toyed with adding some lines for Vader, but I quite like the silent assassin approach.