This version definitely works the best so far in my opinion.
This. It’s not great per say but it’s easily the best so far. I still don’t fully buy that it’s the same location and the constant cutting is a bit erratic but really the biggest issue is that it’s still not clear to me without prior knowledge that it’s one of the knights talking. Still, I think we’re getting somewhere.
The one you posted after the one T-202 is talking about is worse. The second shot of the knights feels random and redundant. I think the one T-202 complemented is solid, but I would cut to the creature’s head when the knight says "creature, skipping the shot of the officers at the table. If you need to, put it in after the severed head.
That’s a shot length problem, I’m afraid. The shot of the Knight is pretty short, so there has to be something else there to fill the gap. I can try slowing it down more than it is, but then you’re getting into interpolation issues. And I wanted to start the shot as early as I did specifically because I’m trying to clarify who’s speaking. Kylo orders someone to speak, cut to the Knight, they step forward, a voice starts talking (it’s not Kylo; and it’s someone with a mask, so it’s not one of the officers)… to whom else would the voice belong at that point, if not the character literally on screen?
there was the problem of the off-screen voice which sounds too much like a Kylo impression.
Easy solution: make the knight female. An accent would work too.
If someone with that sort of voice wants to play the part, I’d be down for it! Otherwise I’m limited to the resources I have available, I’m afraid.
Also…
there was the problem of the off-screen voice which sounds too much like a Kylo impression.
Let’s be honest, J.J. made the Knights themselves basically bad Kylo Ren cosplayers. Not much we can do about their design/aesthetic/role in the story at this point.