Really it’s the rapid intercutting plus the shots of the Knight from a different scene. You are right that the hallway scene would be a strange placement, considering the scenes before and after, where it would have made more logical sense to relay that information.

It’s a conundrum. Your original take on this, without new shots, really flows the smoothest but there was the problem of the off-screen voice which sounds too much like a Kylo impression. If JJ had shot your version, it would probably have been done either in one shot or, at most, with one insert of the knight at some point during his line.

I’ve looked back at your goal with this scene which is to characterize the knights as impulsive thugs, dangerous if imprudent. So, probably best to keep it within the conference room, but ideally I think you’d want just one shot of the knight? The problem is how to get an appropriate shot… Also, and again I don’t have a good suggestion, but “knights” implies some sort of more medieval designation than “captain” if only to distinguish from the military/navy captains seated at the table, but that’s an almost insignificant thing.