I’ve only seen Rebels once, a few years ago, so I can really give any feedback on the text itself, but what I can do is comment on how it looks.
The last couple of years I’ve read quite a few crawls and one “flaw” I often see is that there is too few characters/words in some of the lines. In this one I feel some of the lines in the second paragraphs sticks out, especially the first and the seventh (but also some of the others).
In my opinion there is to much space between the words on those lines. The lines is so spacious that the reading-experience feels “off”. I feels more like jumping from word to word, than smooth reading.
I would recommend to try to rewrite/shuffle some of the wording in the crawl to get more text in the lines with the fewest characters 😃