A few thoughts for season 3:

13:17 We have an appearance by Bendu after Sabine kicked him. What is the purpose of including him?

No role in the episode besides that 2 second appearance. If you were looking for perfection and nitpicking, you could remove him, but not sure if that is even worth the effort for you.

26 Kallus laughs and [spoiler] tells Thrawn rebels will somehow emerge victorious out of certain defeat. Thrawn arrogantly responds that he is basically superior to Kallus so he will end up victorious. Perhaps some of the spoiler lines can be removed here. Thrawn also looks like a fool if he brags and then loses later on. Kallus really is no position to act arrogantly as he was clearly just tortured by Thrawn. He should not have the confidence to boast, but instead continue to feel afraid until we later see him more positive when dealing with Price who does mess things up.

33:44 Thrawn states “What Jedi devilry is this?” in relation to the Bendu storm. I think he should be smart enough to know Jedi - particularly Kanan and Ezra - are incapable of making storms. No logical reason for him to assume the Jedi would suddenly have this power when it never happened in the past.

I think removing the word Jedi from the line would be sufficient. It comes across as a shocked person saying, “what the hell?”

==> Your modifications to the Bendu storm along with hiding the voice worked out quite excellently. Thrawn clearly comes across as much more intelligent by figuring out how to stop Bendu without having the blatant hint of looking at him in the sky.