I think the new lines work VERY well. I don’t think you should cut anything. I honestly don’t mind Din talking for a while here. With all the tension that builds up at the Season 2 Mando finale, we need a strong reason why Din and Bo don’t fight each other and I think this monologue works to explain that on a few levels.

Firstly, this monologue is a fight (both with Bo and the wider Mandalorians), so to cut it down makes the ‘fight’ easier.

Secondly, it helps build Din’s character. He’s no longer just traveling the galaxy solo bounty hunting. He’s lost Grogu by reuniting him with his perceived ‘family’ of the Jedi. He’s now looking to reconcile the Mandalorian’s to fill the void of not having Grogu as his family. Because of this, he’s now willing to lay down his weapons in pursuit of unity and I think this speech conveys that strongly. He wasn’t willing to do this before with Paz Vizsla but he is now. This is development that he completely missed out on in the original season 3 (although, it seems to be what they originally intended for him).

I think your v2 attempt covers everything we need functionally for the story to work AND develops Din further. I think it’s awesome and you should keep it as is 😃