Some little tweaks, re-emphasising the Queen’s importance to the Republic as a whole (and keeping her as the “death star plans” of this movie), reducing the Trade Federation motive, reassigning the suspicion of a ‘sinister motive’ to the Jedi instead of Valorum, and clarified Qui-Gon’s mission. I’ve reordered parts so that as many phrases as possible don’t cross over onto two lines, so each line is interesting as you read it.

The Galactic Republic’s golden
age is ending. As corruption
spreads, Queen Amidala of
Naboo speaks out in defence
of democracy.

The greedy Trade Federation,
in a shocking move, has sent
a battle fleet to blockade her
planet. With the Senate in
turmoil, the Supreme Chancellor
secretly directs the Jedi Order
to help.

Sensing a darker motive behind
the crisis, the Jedi Order,
mystical guardians of peace
and justice, dispatch Master
Qui-Gon Jinn and his young
apprentice to protect the
planet and its Queen…