Yeah, you could just say something like, “When she started her training, she felt darkness grow within her. Leia feared what she could do with that power. To give into hate. So she left the Jedi path. Throughout her life, Leia lost everything, and everyone, but in the end, she still chose love.”

Something like that. I don’t think room for dialogue is a big issue, there’s a lot of dead air that could be filled in that scene. And I also think the whole “surrendering her saber to me” stuff isn’t really necessary so could be replaced. I think what you’ve written is already way better than the theatrical. I feel like the original feels very lore-focused than character-focused if that makes sense. Like it’s gotta answer questions, justify stuff. I like the idea of this tying to Luke reassuring Rey that Leia felt the same things she is feeling, and yours hits on that well too!