Thanks, Starkiller. I figured I was trying to do too much with the crawl. I realize I had based a lot of the crawl on L8wrtr’s for Shadow of the Sith, and it looks like my attempt to streamline it just made it more wordy. Here’s the Shadow of the Sith crawl for reference

A thousand years have
passed since the Jedi Order
vanquished the evil Sith
Lords.
The Galactic Senate has
come to rely on the Jedi to
settle disputes and maintain
peace throughout the
Republic.
Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn
and his apprentice, Obi-Wan
Kenobi, have been
dispatched by the Supreme
Chancellor to resolve a
Dispute between the Naboo
and the Neimoidian Trade
Federation.
Little do the Jedi know that
a Phantom Menace has
been plotting revenge…

Honestly, I had forgotten there was a fourth paragraph to that crawl until I rewatched that edit for last week. Let’s try adapting the “Padme is the Death Star Plans” crawl:

The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is failing.
As its Senate further stagnates,
QUEEN AMIDALA, elected ruler
of the planet Naboo, stands as
a vocal champion against
corruption.
The TRADE FEDERATION,
exploiting the galactic
malaise, has established an
occupation of her planet
in order to force her
compliance.
Bucking conventional wisdom,
Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn,
mystical wielder of THE FORCE,
has taken his apprentice to
safely bring the Queen into
galactic custody…

I think it’s important for Padme and Qui-Gon to be part of the few in the galaxy who know that the system is broken & needs to be changed. Qui-Gon “bucking conventional wisdom” & going on an impromptu mission plays later into the movie when Obi-Wan says that if Qui-Gon would just listen to the council more then he’d have a seat. Qui-Gon is a character who will choose being good over being lawful. I’m curious about the use of “bringing the Queen safely into custody,” but I like it as a way to conflate the idea that the Jedi are the Senate’s police force. Plus, I like it as a subtle reference to Leia being “custodian of the stolen [Death Star] plans” in ANH’s crawl.