Ascendant’s crawl is arguably perfect the way it is. The title of the movie itself allows the first line which follows it to gain its intended meaning that Luke’s sacrifice is responsible for the flames of rebellion without spelling it out for the audience like they’re dumb. The only part I’d change is probably the last paragraph, but that’s only because of a matter of interpretation:
Meanwhile, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren travels to Mustafar, chasing whispers of a HIDDEN POWER that stands to usurp his vulnerable regime. . . .
Kylo Ren is clearly very angry at the beginning of the movie, and goes in weapons blazing on Exegol. It doesn’t seem like he initially went there to negotiate for a power that could stop the growing Resistance, that’s just what became of it in the end. So whoever wrote it only considered what was going to happen with that power, and not what it represented to Kylo initially. But I suppose I can live with that so the audience understands the importance of the fleet to Kylo.
As for your crawl, if you’d genuinely like some feedback, I do have some. As I stated before, you don’t need to reference Luke with the title being right there. You shouldn’t set up the KoR as some massive threat in the crawl because they do virtually nothing in the film. Luke was arguably never Rey’s master, he just taught her why the Jedi ought to end. “Thrown herself into” is awkward wording, “undertaken” is better. I think it’s important to establish that Leia was responsible for making the civilian fleet possible in the first place. There is some conflict between the idea of the Resistance being “thinly spread” and everyone rising up, especially if you consider the Resistance as an idea and not just the organization. I guess the final paragraph is meant to cast Kylo in a more noble light, but honestly I just fundamentally disagree with the entire approach. Which I can best summarize with “I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand.” Him showing any sort of indication that his intentions are pure means Rey is justified in thinking she can take his hand and “fix” him. There has to be a fundamental difference in ideology present, and it’s already baked into the film itself: “The dark side is in our nature. Surrender to it.” In my opinion, an edit of this film should be streamlining all the character motivations, not adding additional layers to make things more confusing and contradictory.