I’m liking those lines a whole lot! I do kinda agree on the Luke conversation, but I don’t feel too strongly either way. I would be curious to hear the about to cry version, just to compare.
For the duel, maybe some buildup could be achieved by having Vader’s first line (Your fear is) come in before Kylo turns around? That way, its a sort of one-two reveal of his voice, then confirmation when we see him. Hope that makes sense