A lot of that would work great in a novelization! The trouble is we have to choose our words very carefully due to space limitations. I’ll dig into some of the rewordings you have there to see if I can change some things around.
For example, I absolutely LOVE the idea of “But we can make our own fate.” Definitely replacing “But you and I don’t want it” with that.
I did try and look at how long the wording was in the original to match what you guys already had. I really love what you’ve come up with; I just want to help in any way I can (like I said: writer!) so if I can play around with you guys some more on this, I’m more than happy too. I can’t stress enough how much I am LOVING how this could fix TROS for me.