I really think the reference to Vader is necessary. It gives a purpose to Vader’s mask looming in the background besides cheap fan service. It also clues more casual fans on to what’s happening assuming they’ve seen episode 1. Plus, the line there needs to be extremely short, just 2-3 words. The line after “Don’t!” is currently too short as you have it. The paragraph after the heroes capture also needs to be a lot longer than that. There simply isn’t enough content there to fill out the space required. The purpose of the sentence you removed is to hint at a connection they’ve always shared through the Force, just as his remarks before we left to the heroes capture are meant to hint at her connection to Palpatine. They both get clarified at the end.

I do really like “the result was his greatest opportunity”. But I think the change you made before that raises some questions. Some people going into this edit would be under the impression that Palpatine cheated death immediately after Vader threw him down the reactor shaft. That is the canon answer, after all. So with the way you’ve currently worded it, it implies that Rey should have been born immediately after ROTJ, which we of course know isn’t the case.

I’m also unsure why you’d remove “Palpatine told me the rest of our story.” It’s to remind the audience to take what he says with a grain of salt.

EDIT: Come to think of it, I do really like “Our paths have always been intertwined.” But I’d probably replace it with “fates”. Come check out my last posted draft to see some of the changes I’ve made according to your recommendations.