I like all of those changes except for a couple. The word “miracle” has too many positive connotations, and I doubt her mother was a virgin because she was assumably already in a relationship with Rey’s “father”. We don’t even know for sure if Shmi was one, either, we just know that “there was no father” at the time she became pregnant.
Also, I think defining their connection as something beyond blood and as something they share as creations of the Force itself is compelling because we haven’t seen something like that in Star Wars before, and it also immediately dispels any incest vibes. The line you’ve given is something that Palpatine himself will later state - we don’t need to repeat ourselves. I’d be down to replace “depth” with “strength”, though.