Yeah, I think that scene works fine within the context of your write-up. I think it only feels weird if you go with the dark vision route as it is in Ascendant at the moment, because the “reveal” is that Rey will kill Palpatine, which she clearly is upset about. It doesn’t really make sense if she immediately says she wants to destroy him. I think what you have is pretty solid for a scumbag parent edit, I would maybe change some of the wording, but I like the ideas. The only question I would have is why Palpatine didn’t know where Rey was in the first place, as I would assume that if he created both Anakin and Rey he would control where they end up. But that can probably be explained with some clever wording.