I like this draft of the dialogue. Provides some ambiguity to keep the audience guessing, but hits the same beats.
In some of my versions of the first Rey and Kylo Force bond scene that I’ve written, I have Kylo say this.
Kylo: Palpatine wants you dead.
Rey: Serving another master?
Kylo: He lies. I have other plans.
Something like that could potentially benefit this type of plot. Kind of hammering in Palpatine as a deceiver, one who lies to manipulate.