These two lines really stand out as awkward for me. They are partially why I tried my own rewrite. Also I did my rewrite while I was at work so I couldn’t reference the ascendant edit or the original movie at the time.
“But taking you caught Palpatine’s attention.”
(Did he know she was more special than the other clones being made? Or was she even more special than the other clones? this is why in my version it’s more about the betrayal of the cult than specifically palps. What was stopping him from just making another rey?)
"but Palpatine’s assassins caught up to them, they wouldn’t say where you were… so he gave the order.”
(this is silly because why would palps have occhi kill the only people that knew where rey was? It makes more sense for occhi to kill them because he believed she was on the same ship as them, and they were getting in the way/ fighting back.)
Taking her woke Palpatine up to the fact that any of his followers could simply take a clone of his at any time and betray him. This is why he wants all of them dead.
Your second point is a flaw in the original movie. It’s at least made better this way because her parents truly are nobodies, and not related to Palpatine at all. If they can’t give him useful information, then they’re useless.