A lot of that is an improvement over what I wrote, but you definitely need to replace “unwanted children” with “dark children”.
I’m also not sure what Kylo’s motivation is in your version. Yeah, he wants to kill Palpatine with her, but then what? That’s why I did a callback to TLJ in my version. He still clearly wants to let old things die, and wants Rey by his side regardless of the recent revelations.