ACBagel- I love this- perfect concept. My only criticism is the line itself. The word count is way too high for the scene it is placed. He says 2 sentences and we have a couple cuts, a standup, etc. It brushes past impact and makes it stand out. Maybe do a play/reverse/play on the helmet talking portion- or some other clever editing.

I think you’ve got the right idea, and the discussion about the voice tone CAN be tightened up as discussed above!

I sent a DM on my thoughts here in full- glad to see you are back!