Sorry in advance but I just buzzed through the comments to chime in on my initial thoughts after watching some of the preview.
My immediately thought was also to have Han from TFA yelling “Ben!”. A part of me always like the idea of Ben stopping himself from killing Rey, rather than Leia kind of interrupting him. Yeah, in this case Han is interrupting him, but it isn’t actually Han: It’s Ben. Ben’s conscience. And like JarJar mentioned, it’s his conscious being like, “Don’t make the same mistake.”
Also, I feel like there needs to be a shot between Ben stopping himself, and when he turns around. It just feels off continuity-wise putting those two shots back to back. I wonder if you could potentially add his saber to the shot where it should be, and continue him lowering it down as it is in the first shot. Or, show/hear it deactivate, since the next time we see his saber, it is deactivated.
My initial thought was to cut to just one shot from TFA, like a shot of Han on the catwalk, OR, the shot of Kylo walking on the catwalk and hear Han’s voice and suddenly stops (as if he is mentally in that moment again). OR, the shot of Han gently brushing his cheek after he stabs him. I know it isn’t typical filmmaking language for Star Wars to do that, just flashing back to a memory. But, TLJ does it, and the Han/Ben scene in TROS is also atypical for Star Wars visual language. So these aren’t hard or fast rules.
Alternatively, perhaps you could reuse that shot of Kylo emerging from that giant wave. But slow it down to match the speed of Kylo’s head turn shot, and adjust it so you don’t see Kylo or his saber emerging from the shot, just hint of a shadow perhaps. Just feels like there needs to be a shot between those two shots of Kylo.
My initial thought for the Maz line was in agreement with you, “To save her son-“, feels clear but also not too exposition-y.
It seems like you guys arrived at the same conclusion, but I was also going to say that we could cut to that silhouette shot of Leia to give her a new line to say to Rey.
I don’t know if you have looked on sherlockpotter’s page at all for his TROS: Untold edit, but he reached a similar conclusion with Leia channeling her life Force through Rey to save Ben. I thought his line choices for Leia sounded good, but I feel like you’ve come to a happy medium between Leia intervening, but not being the factor that interrupts him.
After initially watching your first test, I kind of imagined the line being something simple, like, “Help me, Rey.” (ala, “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi”). For his version, Sherlock used the line, “We can still save him” which I thought was a natural way to imply what is happening. Feels right, not fan-edity. The only other line I could imagine you could use make it even clearer would be something like, “Let it flow through you”, or, “Let it flow. From me. To you.” Or even something like, “We can still save him. From me. To you.” Idk, some different ideas. There is definitely a risk of saying too much, but I think you can stroke a fine balance. I think you could still utilize all of the Leia shots (maybe not the medallion one? Feels like it implies she was behind the Han vision almost). Show her laying down, maybe as the “healing” is occurring. I also don’t think you need any glowing effect happening at the wound. Less might be more here.
Anyway, I really dig this. It just makes more sense that Kylo getting stabbed is the thing that Leia senses, even if you argue that she is sensing it is about to happen which is fine too or whatever I guess. Just think it hits better when it is: Stab. Leia stunned. Speaking of which, it would be a nice touch if we could hear Leia gasp, or hear her breath get heavy in the moment she senses it. A moment of breathtaking shock.
And I also love how this allows the factor stopping Kylo from killing Rey being his own conscience, rather than Leia stopping him.
I’ll get on those audio files when I can JarJar. Also if anyone hasn’t checked out SherlockPotter’s edit thread go check it out!