The first two paragraphs are now basically perfect in my eyes, and the third works well. Though if I were to change something, it would be to make better use of the first two lines of the third paragraph to suggest that the Senate is overwhelmed by chaos, so that it ties in better with Hux’s later lines of the government which ‘acquiesces to disorder’.

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
countless worlds beyond
the fragile New Republic.

Overwhelmed by rising
chaos and oppression,
the Senate has secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….